Maintaining a good relationship is a constant balancing act- you have to constantly shift from being in the flow and enjoying your partner’s company to being able to step outside of the relationship and objectively evaluate it. Both are absolutely necessary. You cannot adequately be present for your partner unless you are able to live in the moment; likewise, you cannot gain perspective if you are unable to create some objective distance.

When you are in a frame of mind of taking stock of where your relationship is, what are some things you need to be mindful of and consider? Below is an incomplete list of items you need to cross off to be sure your relationship is on the right track.

1. Are you having more good times than disagreements? This might seem like an obvious thing, but really many couples get into such a rut with arguments that it becomes a part of their daily interaction and they don’t know how to communicate anymore without arguing. Relationship research Dr. John Gottman claims that a sign of a successful relationship that will last is if the couple has five positive exchanges for every one negative remark or comment.  I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that I used to be on of those people (before I figured all this stuff out) who thought that fighting and arguments were part of any relationship, and in fact, that if there was no fighting, then that meant that the couple just didn’t care enough or have enough at stake in the relationship. Wrong, terribly wrong. I can honestly say that I’ve been married over a year to my wife now and we’ve never had one single full blown-out fight. Disagreements sometimes (but very rarely), but never even one fight. So I can tell you with great confidence that fighting, any kind of fighting, is extremely detrimental to a relationship, and if you find yourself in a heated argument more than once every few weeks, you really need to get to the bottom of the problem immediately.

2. Is your relationship more light-hearted than serious? What I mean by this is are you finding yourself joking around, teasing, and being playful with your partner far more often than engaging in serious conversations? Teasing and playfulness is absolutely essential to the normal push and pull of sexual tension that keeps relationships happy and interesting. If you used to be the charming teaser that your lady fell in love with when you first met, but now find yourself less charming and more inclined to talk about financial worries, job stresses, and complaints about the minutia of your life, you suddenly have the answers as to why your lady suddenly finds you less attractive.

3. Is your sex life still a priority in your relationship? If you are in the first few years of your relationship and are having sex less than twice a week, you fail.  Relationships are based on attraction first and foremost, and all the other stuff like respect, loyalty, mutual interests, etc, comes later. If you are not itching to hop into bed more often than not, then you are about to find yourself living more in a roommate than lover situation. And you are about to reach the final stage of relationship death. Even if you two are getting along quite well and enjoying each other’s company, not quaking to jump each other’s bones is a big red flag and usually more of an indication of the calm before the storm.

4. Is your relationship completely predictable? If there are no spontaneous moments, no high points to remember, and only the same daily routine every day, you’re about to hit a raging tsunami that will capsize your boat and leave you wondering what happened. Everything from infidelity to divorce has been blamed on “boredom” and nothing is more boring than routine. Even if you think all is well, if your life is one drudging routine after another, you best make some steps to add some variety before it’s too late.

Take stock of this mental checklist and see if any of these pointers fit your situation. If so, consider yourself duly warned and make the proper steps to steer your relationship back into the right direction.