Relationship Lab

Mailbag: I think my feelings for my ex may be ruining my current relationship!

Relationshiplab — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:15:29 +0000

Q: Help! I’m so lost right now. I’m in my early 20’s and currently have been in a relationship for the past 7 months to a guy the same age who I met a few years ago but we both thought we were too good for each other at first (this was from a distance, we hadn’t even spoken). Which is kind of exciting that we found each other so attractive.

We got together a fews weeks after I’d stop seeing a guy i’d been seeing on and off for a year and a half. I was never official with this guy yet we said we loved each other and we meant a lot to each other. We had a bond i’ve never had with anyone, it was as if we would always be there for each other. First, as much as he isn’t the most attractive guy…it never really bothered me, except for the fact that looks mean a lot to me in the way that i can’t understand how a person wouldn’t want to present themselves in the best way they can (self pride). Secondly he had/has no drive or ambition in life. This is also something highly important to me, and i can’t quite understand when someone doesn’t want to make the most of their life and they are happy with a ‘comfortable’ one. My predicament now is that I’m still in my current relationship but both myself and my bf have currently realised i’m not over this guy of a year and a half. Possibly because i didn’t give myself time to move on from him or possibly because i’m hiding behind looks and other characteristics rather than accepting my love for him (my ex).

My bf at the moment is amazing, I’m very attracted to him…he doesn’t have as much drive as I do but he’s still a lot more than my ex. Our personalities click so well!…we can make each other laugh no matter the situation. He’s supportive and we generally want the same future. I don’t want to ruin what i have with him because i’m not over my ex. But at the same time i’m wondering if all the characteristics I mentioned are just my excuses for not being with my ex instead.

I mean…how important is love compared to respect…understanding and communication?

-Lauren

A: Hi Lauren, sounds like you have a complicated issue there. It sounds eerily similar to another mailbag question I just put up on the website from a guy who is having trouble choosing between two women. Take a look at that article because a lot of the advice applies here. Sounds like you are doing a lot of rationalizing. You’re not really sold on this new guy… it’s not enough to be attracted to the person or have good sex… there is something very fundamental about being truly understood by another human being. I don’t know what it is with your hunk, but something’s missing. Even your question- what is more important, love or respect and understanding- implies that that kind of understanding that I mentioned is missing in your current relationship. Again, I don’t want to claim that I know for sure what’s going on, these are just conclusions that I’m making based on the way you present your case.

Why did you love this other guy? He was ugly, boring and lazy. But you still loved him, even more so than your current ambitious hunk. Where did this incredible “bond” come from. This is what I mean by that kind of deep connection and understanding that is so meaningful in relationships, even more important than sex and attraction. However, the unfortunate part is that connection and understanding without sex and attraction is just a friendship, while sex and attraction with connection and understanding is just lust. Take a look through the website, there is an article there about the different types of love, a schema created by a psychologist, Sternberg, based on the three pillars of a relationship- intimacy, passion and commitment. This is called the “triangular theory of love”. Anyway, intimacy alone is just friendship, passion alone is infatuation, and commitment alone is called “empty love.” You can find out more by reading the article about this on the Relationship Lab site, but the point is that there are different forms of love based on the nature of the relationships.

What it sounds like you have here is a dilemma between the vestiges of an intimate relationship (since you did not have passion or commitment to the other guy) versus the throes of infatuation for the hunk (since deeper intimacy and commitment is lacking). What I’m trying to say is that neither of these guys seem to be what you truly desire in the right relationship for you. Trust me, when you find the right person, old romantic feelings for others fall away, even if the the breakups happened recently. When I met my wife, any old feelings I may have had for anyone else in my past were extinguished immediately- as far as I was concerned, they were dead to me. You may have different reactions, but again, when you meet the man of your dreams you will have no doubts, absolutely NO doubts.

In the meantime, don’t rush to any decisions. Time is your friend and your heart will sort things out on its own in good time. Good luck.

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Mailbag: I am dating two women, but can’t decide between them!

Relationshiplab — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 13:32:40 +0000

Q: Hi. I started dating a woman (A) earlier this year. She was physically my type – cute and sweet. She had been a share mate of mine and things had developed over a couple of months before I expressed romantic interest. I then went overseas on a business trip for a month and she called me almost everyday. At that point we still hadn’t even shared a kiss. When I came back she announced that she wanted to live with me. This put pressure on me – but I declined. We had started being sexual and it was fantastic – but to be honest things felt they were moving too fast. I was now part of a couple – but we had little foundation. I was extremely busy with a new job and a new place to live – so she went and did a farm stay for a few weeks. It was around this time that I found out that woman (B) – whom I had known for a couple of years and with whom I shared a deep heart connection expressed interest in me. She knew I was with someone and I downplayed my current relationship. She told me that she’d always loved me and I was blown away. I loved her too – but I’d never thought of her in a sexual way. She was beautiful and we shared a huge amount of common interests – including the Buddhism with both practised – as well as singing. I have massive respect for her.

My girlfriend then returned from the farm stay and we ended up having a big chat and we both realised that we’d had a lot of misunderstandings. So I knew that she was more compatible than I thought – the sex was also incredible… At this time the pressure was on for me to break up with woman A for woman B. The pressure to do this has been enormous. I certainly have the deep connection with woman B – but pressure and stress to jump from my present girlfriend to her have been huge. In the end woman B told me (a week ago) to forget about her as I wasn’t taking action. Because my head and heart have felt so messed up – I could hardly give 100% to woman A. I feel like I screwed both up and myself. I’ve come to the conclusion now that they only thing I can do is to break up with my girlfriend and try and chase down the second girl and give it a go – because hurting her feels like I’ve shattered my soul – but then again I’m not 100% sure how sexually attracted to her that I am??? Any suggestions on this mess?? How important is sexual chemistry?? Can it develop??? What are the most important things for a lasting relationship and life partner?? We are all in our late 20s and early 30s.

- Chris

A: Hey Chris, thanks for your candid question- it’s an intriguing one. Sounds like you are a bit confused here with your sudden surge of female riches and possibly about to lose it all because you don’t know how to handle it. First, let’s take a look at what you want, not what other people want you to want. Remember, this is your life that you are living, and you are only responsible to yourself (and your family) for your own decisions. When it comes to relationships, your happiness is of the utmost importance, because if you aren’t happy, then most likely you won’t be making your partner happy and your relationship will be on its way to doom, even with the best of intentions.

So based on a careful analysis of what you’ve written here, my best guess about the women in question is as follows:

Woman A is hot and super kinky. She may not be absolutely gorgeous, but you are attracted to her no less because she gives you that deep spasm and burn that feels so good when you orgasm. That feeling in itself is highly addictive. However, she has some attachment issues, because frankly something is off there when she wanted to move in with you so fast. Either she has serious financial problems or some kind of emotional disturbances that make her so eager to cling to a virtual stranger. Trust me, it’s never a good sign when a woman is willing to move in with a guy at the drop of a hat. Further, you don’t really love this woman. If you did, you wouldn’t be considering dumping her in order to pursue woman B.

Woman B is spiritual but homely. You haven’t even considered her on a sexual level the whole time you’ve known her. Come on guy, you like sex, that’s why you’ve pushed it to this point with woman A, but you haven’t had ANY sexual thoughts about woman B? She must be a war pig, no offense. Not trying to hurt you or insult anyone, just my conclusions based on the way you are presenting your case. What does “deep heart” connection mean anyway? I have a deep heart connection with my wife, but I have sex with her. Trust me guy, it just sounds like you don’t really like her, you know, like LIKE her. Also, you are worried about your sexual chemistry with woman B, although you’ve never had sex with her. Clearly, even the though of having sex with her seems like a chore. Is this the kind of woman that you would put a bag over her head?

Back to woman A, you mentioned that after some further discussion, you realized that “she was more compatible than I thought.” What exactly does that mean? That is clearly a code word for something, but what? Not compatible because she is more slutty than you’d want, or she can’t keep up with clever conversations or what? The point is that, as I mentioned before, you really don’t have that much strong feeling for this woman either. Basically, it sounds like this situation isn’t working out for you for the following reason: You don’t like either one of them enough to commit to her exclusively, but you like the idea of having several women hunting over you. It feels very dominant and male to have such choice, doesn’t it? And it feels good. No denying it. But these are humans that we are considering, with their own thoughts and emotions and the way you handle this DOES matter.

So what should you do? Take a time out. You don’t need to rush anything and if you do, you’ll only make a mistake. Don’t succumb to pressure. Let them know your boundaries. Say that you are interested in both women, but need time to sort through your feelings. That’s fair- because it’s true. If they’re not happy with that, then they have their own issues to deal with. The point is, that you’re not playing with them, you are just being honest- you honestly are confused and need to sort things out. Slow down. And think about what would make you happy.

It just may be the case that neither of these women are what you want and when you find that right woman, there will be no confusion, no doubts. Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered at Ask A Question.

Mailbag: I think playing games with my bf has backfired

Relationshiplab — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:53:04 +0000

Q: Hey, I dated a guy for about a month. But since the second date, I’ve given him ultimatums. The first one was when I said that I wanted a long term relationship, and it worked. We started to get to know each other, then I felt like testing him again after we’ve slept together, saying the same thing. He did not respond to it this time and I freaked out and told him that we don’t need a relationship because we have great sex. Now, he sees me as a friend with benefits.

He just broke up a five year relationship when they lived together mostly because of the distance. He said he likes me, we have a great connection and he even invited me to move together with him. Them he withdrew more. At the beginning of the relationship I tested him too much, saying that we’re too different, we’re not meant to be together, he was the right guy. Now he is using the same speech to push me away when I talk about feelings and how much I like him. It’s been four months already. We’re both the same age: 33.

What should I do?

-Marcia

A: Hi Marcia, thanks for your question. This is a good example of what happens when you play games. You end up hurting yourself in the end. But I’m not going to fault you for what you did- you probably have been very hurt in the past regarding relationships, and maybe even earlier than that. The reason I say that is that nobody acts this way in relationships unless they are trying to prevent themselves from being hurt. It’s a learned behavior used as a strategy to navigate past hurt feelings. Unless you take a good hard look at your actions and possibly even seek therapy, you will continue to sabotage your own happiness. And really 33 is too old to be playing these kinds of games, don’t you think?

That said, looks like this guy has been taking you very literally. You told him that you don’t need a relationship because the sex is so good, so it looks like he jumped for joy at that opportunity and firmly planted you into the “f-k buddies” category. Then you told him that it would never work because you are too different, not right, etc, and he used that to push you further away- except for the sex, of course.

So what should you do? I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable, but a could starting point would be HONESTY. I know it’s hard to trust someone, especially if you’ve been hurt badly before, but I can tell you this much… if you are honest with the guy, you at least have some chance of making the relationship work… however, if you play games, you will have exactly ZERO chance at having a happy, successful relationship. I would rather take some chance over zero chance. It takes a lot to put your heart out on a limb like that, I know. You may approach a relationship in good faith, only to have your heart pulled out and shattered, but you have to be able to get up and do it over again. That’s the only way to do it. And each time, you will learn something else to learn how to spot the red flags that may indicate who is not trustworthy. But you have to be honest and put your heart on the line in order to have a good relationship. And if you feel like there is just no way you can do it, then I highly recommend a good therapist who would help you to sort through your past hurts and traumas and allow you to approach potential relationships with sincerity and optimism.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered directly at Ask A Question.

Mailbag: Help! I think my crush may have ruined my marriage

Relationshiplab — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:34:35 +0000

Q: I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for the last 16 years. We met young (I was 17 and him 19) and over the years I have battled a few crushes that vanished over a few months time. 3 years ago though, I developed a severe crush on another man and have spent the last few years crushing and beating myself for crushing because I genuinely love my husband with all my heart yet sometimes felt like we were in too much of a routine. He found out about the crush and took it badly. When the crush first started this other man and I had sent some e-mails back and forth talking about our dilemma as the crush was on both ends…and my husband read these e-mails.

I had stopped e-mailing and had begun really trying to work on my relationship with my husband. I booked an exotic trip away and tried to be positive and supportive as much as possible. Then my husband told me that he was going away overseas for 6 months to “find himself” as he said that he need time alone. I was devastated but respected his decision. I asked him if we should take a break and maybe even give ourselves the liberty of seeing other people with this other man clearly still in my mind. I know that this was a naive thing to do but this is what I did. We both agreed that we would take a break over the 6 months period and that we would be allowed to see other people but it would be on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis (again…I feel and felt that this is naive thinking but was still crushing and wanted to be able to see this other man). It’s been 3 months now since my husband has been away and I did start seeing this other man…I slept with him on several occasions and even had my own toothbrush at his place at one point. It was excruciatingly painful though…the remorse… and I told this other man that I could no longer see him. My relationship with this other person only helped me confirm that I deeply love my husband and that I have been foolish. Now though, I am wondering if I should tell him that I slept with this man that he absolutely despises, or should I keep it to myself…CAN I keep it to myself without giving myself stomach cancer? I feel desperate and sometimes even suicidal over this as I am so angry at myself most of the time and I am afraid of losing my husband either by telling him what happened or by exhausting myself with guilt and secrets.

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end.

All the best

-Andrea

A: Andrea, thanks for your question, sounds like you are in some distress. I have no idea what lies in store for your relationship, but I do know that any successful marriage takes a great deal of commitment. Here’s a basic idea of what it takes to have a decent and fulfilling life (and it’s much easier than most people suspect): 1. Choose things in your life to do (such as relationship and career) that make you feel good and happy, 2. Learn to be happy with the decisions you made, and 3. Give more than you take. So what do these principles mean? Am I saying that you must settle in order to be happy? No, I’m saying that once you found something that makes you happy (#1), don’t take it for granted and expect that the grass is greener on the other side (#2). In other words, learn to value and cherish what you already do have. Does that make sense?

In your case, sounds like you don’t even really have much feeling for this guy you are having an affair with. If anything, sounds like your husband just took things for granted on his part and let things slide and get complacent. On your end, you started feeling disenchanted with this kind of boring routine, and instead of trying to work on your relationship, you attached yourself to this other guy in order to alleviate your own unpleasant feelings of mundane boredom. Because he was different he probably seemed exciting and the forbidden nature of the whole thing sure added spice to your boring life, didn’t it? Look, I’m not trying to pick on you here, and your husband is surely guilty of letting the relationship slide, but we both know that you made a bad, big mistake here.

So what to do? Eliminate yourself from this new guy. Even if things with your husband don’t work out, you will never have a chance to have a good relationship with this new guy after all the emotional turmoil you’ve suffered, and besides, you don’t like him that much anyway. Should you tell your husband? Well frankly, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong, since you guys both agreed to see other people but not “tell” about. However, your guilt will probably make you spill it out, and who knows how your husband will take it- although we both know it won’t be good. Maybe the best thing to do is to see a therapist to sort out your guilty feelings and allow you to re-engage with your husband without all that emotional baggage. But who knows, maybe your husband has also been busy in the sack with others- although he has enjoyed it far more and without any of the guilt.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered directly at Ask A Question.

Mailbag: Help! My guy would rather sleep than spend time with me!

Relationshiplab — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:59:55 +0000

Q: I’m divorced and I met someone a year ago. We both come from broken or failed marriages and both were cheated on by our spouses. It’s been awhile so we’ve been dating for about a year and he does not call me all the time. I often call him. He is a driver and delivers milk all day long. When he comes home from work he eats and takes a nap because he is tired and when I call him around 8:00pm, he does not pick up, he is in a deep sleep. This is and has been his excuse for a while. We talk earlier during the day and we make plans to go out than he falls asleep and I always end up at home stood up. When we talk I tell him how I feel and he is sorry and feels bad and does not know what to say. I just want to know what I should do. I love him but I feel hurt that he does this all the time. We are both in our late 40’s and we both have been hurt. I don’t think he does this on purpose, but it bothers me so much and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

-Lina

A: Hey, thanks for the question Lina, I’m sorry to hear of your predicament, but there’s a few things going on here. First, both you and this guy have already been married. For the sake of making my point, let me focus on him specifically. Like I said, he’s already been married, he’s no spring chicken, his wife cheated on him, and he works a grueling physical job which exhausts him. So why is he sleeping when you call? Because he’s exhausted. That’s plain and simple to understand. However, this is where all the other parts come into play. See, if this was a younger guy who had never been married before and was trying his best to court you, not only would he be up at 8pm when you called, but he would stay up all night spending time with you, even if it meant he only had 3 hours of sleep. That’s what young, horny, motivated guys do. Well, clearly he’s not so young, but that doesn’t necessarily mean much. I can’t comment on how horny he is. But what’s clear is that he’s definitely not so motivated. Why? Well, that’s a complicated answer, but it probably has to do with several things. First, the whole idea of the sanctity and importance of relationships may have lost its luster after his marriage failed. Second, maybe you are way too overeager and he knows he can just sleep away the night like a bear in winter and you’ll be there to greet him when the sun comes out and the snow thaws, all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Let me ask you a question. Why do you love this guy so much? I’m not challenging you. I just want you to ask yourself this question. You hardly spend any time with him and what time he has is spent chucking milk cartons and hibernating the hours away. So why exactly do you love him? You did mention that you’ve been hurt several times. In fact, it’s the word that you used the most to describe yourself in your entire question. Are you so attached to this guy because of his own personal merits or because you are latching on to him to avoid the pain and loneliness of your hurt? Only you can know, but like I said, I don’t see many enthusiastic descriptions in your question that make this guy sound like a real catch.

So what should you do? First, analyze your motivations. What does this guy mean to you? Second of all, realize that because of his own life circumstances and perhaps your own mistakes (through no fault of your own), he might not see as much value in your company as you see in his. Third, find ways to make up for that company by doing something pleasurable, like trying new things, meeting new people and adopting new hobbies. If this dude sees that you are so much less dependent on him and have discovered a life on your own, perhaps (and this would be the ONLY way) he’ll realize what he is missing and decide that spending time with you is more important than catching sheep in his sleep.

Good luck.

Have a relationship dilemma of your own? Have it answered directly at Ask A Question.

Mailbag: The married woman I was seeing doesn’t want to see me again

Relationshiplab — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 14:14:22 +0000

Q: I (40) have read many articles about dating a married woman and now (too late) understand a great deal more of what happened. She (35) had a crush on me (bartender, married for a year) very unhappy in marriage. We saw each other every night of the week for 9 months. Yes, like the articles say, it was the most romantic, wonderful, exciting and intimate relationship of my life!!! She said she had never done that before and would never do it again. She said she wanted to be my girl and that she loved me. Her husband started packing (from the dog house) in the 10th month and she backed off. He moved out and she basically ended the relationship stating all I wanted was sex and that I’m not who she thought I was. What does that mean?

I tried to explain that I wanted more than what we had, that I loved her and wanted to be with her but it fell on deaf ears. I don’t understand how at the point when we could actually be together she ended it. How can she just stop those feelings we had? And now it’s as if she hates me. When I see her and try to tell her I still love her she gets angry and tells me to stop!! Everything i do she seems to villainize, she completely avoids me when in the same room (bar). no eye contact. What the hell just happened to me? Its been three months now. Ive tried to move on but when I get the opportunity to be with someone else, I have been unable to “PERFORM”. I am an utter mess here. What happened and what can i do now? Please help.

-Dan

A: Hey Dan, thanks for your question. I know it’s a terrible feeling to think you have something great going on and then have the rug pulled out from under you. First though, I have to remind you that words mean absolutely in the worlds of love and war. You can have a woman tell you every day ten times that she loves you and will never leave you, but as they say, that and two bucks will buy you a cup off coffee. The point is that love and emotions are not logical, they cannot be planned, discussed, analyzed, or promised. No one, and I repeat NO ONE can promise you anything about love, whether it be now or in the future. That’s why it’s so important to also stay on your toes and keep your woman (or man) happy and satisfied, instead of relying on old events. Love, like milk, can go sour very quickly.

As far as your woman, come on man, she’s married, cheating on her husband, and all of a sudden changed her tune towards you when the husband decided to leave, and you have no idea what’s happening here? You had to figure there was some reason she was married to the guy, regardless of what she told you. And even if she was only having sex with you, it still could have been a tremendous blow to her emotions when he finally started packing. As for all the stuff about all that you wanted was sex and you weren’t she thought you were, she basically meant that, but for other reasons than you might imagine- let me explain. When she said all you wanted was sex, she is projecting on you her own feelings towards the relationship. All she wanted was sex from you and when she was threatened with the loss of emotional intimacy in the form of her husband leaving, she realized that a relationship was more than sex, and so you were the convenient scapegoat for her own regrets. As for you not being the man she thought you were, that’s correct too- at one point you were highly desirable to her and now you no longer are, even through no fault of your own.

Of course all of your pleas fall on deaf ears. That’s because she’s MOVED ON. You ask how could she stop her feelings for you? Easy. Her feelings for her husband were stronger than her feelings for you. And guess what? Now you are just an inconvenient guy who is bothering her and constantly reminding her of the mistakes she wishes she hadn’t made. And then you wonder why villainizes you? Cuz you remind her of her mistakes. Again, for emphasis, you remind her of things she would rather forget. Get it? Listen bro, you just have to move on. I know it’s easier said than done, but you can pretty much stick a fork in this one. It’s over. And the faster you realize it’s over, the sooner you’ll be able to move on yourself and heal. As for the performance problems, that’s for another article, but most likely you are so worked up and anxious around this whole situation that you are nerves are preventing you from relaxing. I’m pretty sure as soon as you’ll stop caring about this woman, you’ll be able to rise to the occasion.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered directly at Ask A Question.

Dating Disasters: The guy who tried to impress his date by talking about porn

Relationshiplab — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 15:11:12 +0000

Ever watched the show “Blind Date” and found yourself yelling at the screen pointing out all the wrong things the fools on the show are doing? Ever sit there and analyze the entire episode from start to finish? Well, so have I. And in that spirit, I have decided to write an analysis of various dating disasters that run across on the net. For the next few entries, I will be analyzing some of the dating disasters found in this article: http:27 Dating Disasters. Now on to the situation…

“Last weekend marked yet another futile effort at getting a date. It all took place at a brunch birthday party for my friend. After finishing brunch, we were having a few drinks. I sauntered over to a table where a really cute girl named Jessica was talking to her roommate and three of my buddies. I thought Jessica was cute as soon as I walked in. This does not explain why I started talking about a porn I had written in my head with my friend Luke. Luke and I are not a good combo. We egg each other on, and horrible thoughts that lurk in the depths of our minds somehow make it out for discussion. With Luke at the table, what should have been a done and done sentence about my porn turned into a full-scale discussion. We moved to another bar, and I decided that my porn discussion had not damaged my chances. What transpired next may have done the trick. At the bar, there were a bunch of beer-pong tables. As Jason and I took the table against Jessica and her roommate, we declared University of Delaware dominion and started sinking shots. With each shot, I peppered them with banter, infuriating them. By the time Jason and I had defeated them, a beating similar to Vikings raiding and pillaging a peaceful seaside town, Jessica was telling me to get away from her. She also smacked me.”

Analysis: OK, this guy starts this embarrassing anecdote of pathetic male behavior by stating that he does not expect his dates to go well- this was another “futile effort at getting a date”. Here’s a tidbit- people who are deeply insecure about something will go out of their way to sabotage their own success.

Clearly this guy has a problem with women and sex. Why else would he be writing porn scripts in his own head with some buddy and then go and tell the next attractive girl that he sees all about? First of all, we all have fantasies and sexual “scripts” that run through our head. But actually sitting down and mulling over a porn script with another buddy just indicates that you haven’t been getting any lately, if ever. And then the whole discussing porn with a girl just screams of a guy with such unbearable insecurities that he is just dying to scream out to the girl “Look at me, I am terribly horny and lonely, but don’t know how to satisfy my own needs. Please reject me because I am so unlovable.” Yeah, seriously, that’s what goes through these kinds of guy’s minds on a subconscious level. It comes across as laughable and creepy, but what these guys really have is a deep bleeding gash that requires some urgent attention in the way of mental health counseling. This guy even mentions “ horrible thoughts that lurk in the depths of our minds”. Wow.

This guy even states that he does not know why he does what he does. But yet, after realizing that he was still yet unsuccessful in sabotaging himself with his porn stories, he decided that what he really needed to do was go for the jugular- pepper her with insulting banter, infuriate her and destroy her in beer pong- since he obviously didn’t have the skills to “slay” her into going to bed with her.

So what’s the forecast for this guy? Unless he takes a good hard look at himself and his glaring problems, he will continue to sabotage himself with women and probably in most other areas of life. His demand in the dating scene will get even less tenuous as he gets older, gains some weight and starts losing hair. At that point, he won’t even be able to start up a conversation with youth and energy alone. At that point, he will be the lonely guy who ends up going into LA Fitness gyms and shooting up the same women who rejected him his whole life. Look, that’s an extreme example, but that guy who shot up the LA Fitness last year probably started out the same way. In the meanwhile, he will have a few other broken people in his life who will serve to enable him while he is still young and in college and in his fraternity. But in the meanwhile, the cold hard truth is that he will only have his palm to keep him company and the clock has already started ticking.

Dating Disasters: The guy who got drunk and urinated on his date’s belongings

Relationshiplab — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 13:56:59 +0000

“My friend Carrie met a guy named Robert on Match.com, and the two went out on what started out as a normal, delightful date. Robert stretched the truth slightly, telling Carrie he lived on the Upper East Side. Turns out he lived in Harlem (at least another 1/2 hour from her place in New Jersey), so there was no way she was going to do the late night trip back to Hoboken. When they got to Robert’s apartment, they were having some wine and discussing regular topics while sitting on the couch, when suddenly Robert flipped out about his career. He got up, paced about the room, and muttered to himself about his career failures. Carrie, creeped out by his sudden shift in behavior, decided to turn in for the night, went to bed, and pretended to sleep. Once Robert thought Carrie was asleep, he downed a handle of Jack Daniels, while his ranting grew more and more disturbing. Carrie tried to calm him down and urged him to come to bed and go to sleep, which he finally agreed to do. But he got up again and went back to his Jack Daniels, downing shots of it this time. After things had finally quieted down, she noticed a strange sound coming from the corner of the bedroom. She got up and saw Robert in the corner of the room where all of her stuff was sitting on the floor, peeing on it. Finally, Carrie made her way home to Hoboken at 2 a.m., clutching her urine-stained belongings.”

Analysis: Here’s another situation with an angry dude who is overly reactive and has no self-control whatsoever. First, this guy clearly has an alcohol problem. He is either a regular daily drinker or a binge drinker, but regardless this clearly isn’t the first time he’s gotten enraged when on the bottle. Further, the way he kept reaching for the Jack Daniels over and over shows that Jack Daniels is probably one of his best friends and only confidantes. Sad.

Besides angry, this guy is most likely depressed and probably hates women to boot. Why is it that being with a woman in his room enraged him so much? Is he really that angry about his career? Or is the presence of a woman and the hint of intimacy that is enough to be fire that lights the fuse? Also, what’s this deal with urinating on the woman’s stuff? If that’s not enough evidence that this guy has some kind of problem with women, and hence, most likely his sexuality, I don’t know what is.

Instead of worrying about dating, this guy needs to be alone to fix himself before he gets anyone else involved in his personal nightmare. Some good therapy would be recommended. Whatever makes this guy so angry most likely comes from some kind of emptiness that can probably be traced to childhood, but that is pure speculation since we don’t know enough about him. However, if we did learn about his past, I’m sure there’s a lot of skeletons in the closet.

Mailbag: Do I deserve better in my relationship?

Relationshiplab — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:49:48 +0000

Q: I don’t know where to begin. My boyfriend and I have been with each other for 2.5 years now. We were best friends and coworkers before we got into a relationship. There is a lot that is similar about us, but also a lot that is very different. The differences have caused a lot of conflict in our relationship: different backgrounds growing up, different family values, even different faith [in that I have spirituality, and he doesn't believe in ANYTHING]. We see romance differently [ie. I love it, and he is not as into it - though he was more so when we started dating]. He is not a hugely positive person, and I am. He is not a very social person, and I am not either but I am more so than he is. The list goes on: there are a lot of ways in which we differ, and they have caused conflict in the past, but never enough to make either of us question the relationship. However, recently our relationship has taken a turn.

It began with him wanting to go home to his mother’s house for the summer (which he now regrets), and me being stuck because we still pay rent where we were living, and I am allergic to his mother’s 4 cats so I was unable to stay there. The situation meant I could not stay with him in his hometown. So, I worked really hard to find something in which I could at least be close to him, that was rent free. I did find something, though it is still 5 hours away by car (as opposed to the different provinces that we WOULD have been in if I stayed in the apartment we were renting). He didn’t really make an effort to help me find anything to be near him, and that was the first thing to make me upset. I really wanted to spend the summer with him, as we’d had a busy year where we didn’t get to spend a great deal of quality time together.

Once I got to my new job, he decided he was unsure about our future. This obviously upset me, as I was unable to get out of my job to go back home, and I’d moved across the country to be near him. He has since decided he made a mistake (both in going home for the summer, and in questioning our relationship), but for me the damage is done: I am missing very important weddings, and family events back home, I had so badly wanted us to spend the summer together, and I had dropped everything to be closer to him here and he didn’t really consider me at all. It has recently made me feel resentful and unsure about our longevity. I find him to be incredibly selfish, and I don’t know how to forgive him for this situation, and other actions of selfishness in which I have had to give up a lot in order to give him what he wants.

It is difficult because I don’t know if I want to lose him, but I also don’t know if I deserve better and I am staying with him because it is comfortable, and safe, and he is my best and closest friend. There are more problems than I could list in this email, but there are also more good things than I can list. I made a pros and cons, and the cons did outweigh the pros… but how can you tell if they all weigh the same in terms of importance?

I just feel confused because right now my relationship is not at all what I wanted for myself, but I don’t know if this will pass, or if our many problems are now just manifesting into something that is TOO big to deal with.

-Mel

A: Hey Mel, thanks for your email. First, based on what you are writing, you are completely right that your boyfriend has been very selfish towards you. How can you rely on a guy who ups and leaves without so much as involving you in the process? Someone who outright tells you that he is “unsure about our future”? How can you make any plans or have a family (if that is what you want) with such a guy who doesn’t inspire any confidence at all and thinks about his needs and wants clearly above yours?

If you do a search of the site- relationshiplaboratory.com- you will find an article that discusses the topic of trusting your gut instincts. Right now, you are making lists of pros and cons, openly discussing your doubts, wondering if you are staying for the wrong reasons (comfortable and safe) and listing all the ways you are different. Sounds like you are trying to rationalize a decision arising from a gut feeling. If you were happy with this guy in your gut, would you be making such lists? I’ve been in some very good relationships and some very bad relationships, and trust me, in the bad ones I too was making lists, but in my marriage, instead of making lists, we can’t wait to come home to see each other. There are no lists. No doubts. That’s what a good relationship SHOULD be.

That said, I do understand your fears about losing this guy. You’ve been with him for a while, you’ve grown close and as you said, he’s the closest person in your life. It’s painful to lose someone like that. But guess what? If I didn’t “lose” some close people in my life over the years, I would have never met my wife, which is the best relationship I’ve ever been. So sometimes “losing” something is actually moving ahead because it frees you up to find or do something better.

So how do you know if he’s worth losing? He’s worth losing if he doesn’t make up in a BIG way for the mistakes he’s made. If he doesn’t come back asking for your forgiveness and then backing that up with concrete ACTION, such as moving to be with you and being proactive in helping you both move back home together, going into therapy, openly discussing with you his feelings and his plans for your future together, being more supportive both in actions and words, being more positive, responding to your emotional needs… you get the point. This guy’s got a lot of work cut for him ahead of him. And if he does that work, if he meets you halfway, and even gives a little more than 50% of the effort to make up for his mistakes, then and only then maybe, just maybe this is the guy you can count on for the future. If none of the above is forthcoming, then that just makes your decision that much easier.

One last thing- in your question, you said that “I also don’t know if I deserve better.” Listen to me, if you get one thing out of this response, it’s that YES, you deserve not ONLY better, but also the BEST in life. Remember- you deserve the best and it is up to you to shamelessly go get it. If you don’t seek your own happiness, no one else will.

Good luck.

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Mailbag: Help! My fiance is suddenly getting cold feet

Relationshiplab — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:41:08 +0000

Q: My fiance is having second thoughts about getting married. It was his idea in the first place to get engaged. Everything was going great, so I started planning. He became less and less interested in the planning process. When I confronted him he said that he wanted to wait till after our daughter was born and till we were more settled and financially stable. I let it go for awhile after that till just about a week ago. Things started getting better! We got a new apartment, one bank account, everything- so i asked him again about wanting to get married. He said he felt pushed and that you never know what could happen in a year! Hearing that killed me and put so many thoughts and insecurities in my head. I don’t understand what happened or what could have made him feel this way. Got any ideas??

-Rissa

A: Hey Rissa, thanks for your question, it’s an important one that is shared by many people. It obviously does appear that he is less actively engaged in the whole idea of getting married, but the important thing is to be able to separate his anxieties with any judgments about yourself. In other words, he may be getting cold feet and it may have nothing to do with you. The list of factors that may induce him to want to hold off are endless- his friends may be telling him horror stories about marriage, he may feel overwhelmed with your pregnancy and with the idea of being a father, he may be resistant to the whole notion of growing up and having adult responsibilities, he may have his own intimacy issues, he may have had a bad childhood where he saw his parents constantly fighting in front of him. These are just some possibilities, so without further information, it is really impossible to know. He may not even know his own reasons, except that he is feeling a jittery sensation every time he thinks of marriage. Guess what? Most people have no idea why they do the things they do, or feel the things they feel. That’s why there’s therapy.

My point in all of this is to make it clear to you that he may have a million reasons for wanting to delay marriage that may seem reasonable to him- and have absolutely NOTHING to do with you as a woman. Sometimes there’s just an inner sense that you are ready to be an adult and when you meet the right person, you are ready to get married. That’s what happened with me. In his case, he may have met the right person, but doesn’t feel ready to be an adult, so there’s a disconnect. It’s a lot of pressure on a guy to be responsible for a child and a family- especially in Western cultures where the motto is “30 is the new 20″ and it is a regular occurrence to stay in school forever and delay adulthood indefinitely.

So how do you know if his “cold feet” have anything to do with you? Make yourself this mental checklist: Are you suddenly acting too clingy? Are you giving him some space? Are you making overly strong demands regarding what he does with friends or other activities? Have you changed the way you interact with him recently? Have you prematurely shifted your role(s) from “lover” to “wife”? Are you interested in him sexually (even though you are pregnant?) If you can look at yourself honestly in this way and determine that nothing has changed from your end, then it makes it easier to be more confident that the change is with him. Another thing- if your body has changed its appearance recently due to your pregnancy and that is causing his change in attitude, then you can be assured that he’s an immature boy who is not ready to be a father.

My suggestion: Ask him directly what is making him nervous about marriage. Don’t make any ultimatums- that will only push him away. Be frank with your feelings and ask him about his feelings. Don’t blame or accuse, just ask about feelings. If he admits to being nervous, that will give you an in to explore those feelings further. You are a expecting mother, pregnant with his child so you deserve to have some sense of security and commitment.

Good luck.

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