Look, I’ve been there too. I’ve been in relationships with neurotic, possessive, paranoid and and obsessive women. I’ve been there where I thought maybe I was doing something to contribute to the intolerable behavior. Which is maybe why I stayed a little longer past the expiration date in some occasions. I’ve been there where I was constantly under suspicion for cheating even though I’ve never done such a thing and I’ve been there where the other person was constantly looking for a reason to start a fight. And I’ve been there where I thought that maybe I had some share of the blame for some of this behavior, because in all honesty someone would have to be crazy to act that way without good reason…. and the people I was dating weren’t crazy…. were they?

But I’m also here to tell you that I’ve now been married for almost two years and my wife and I have never, ever, EVER had even ONE single fight this whole time. And guess what? I’m more or less the same person I am now as I was then in the other relationships.  The only thing different is that I now know and recognize all these things and clearly know what’s up and what’s right and wrong in relationships. But my actions are the same, my thoughts and behavior are the same, but the end result is radically different. Why? Because in the end, when you are either a) with the wrong person for YOU or b) with the wrong person for ANYBODY, you are going to have a very, very bumpy road ahead. And if you are going to try to hang on and change the other person, get ready to strap your seat belt on cuz it’s only going to get even bumpier.  For someone who is acting wrong by you, it’s going to have to take a monumental realization and effort on their part to change. And maybe years of therapy. And if they are just not understanding, then they probably never will.

In the end, do you want to give yourself a break and have some piece of mind? Cut your losses and dump that exhausting relationship and free up your energy, time, and spirit to find someone who really gets you, doesn’t have a closet full of baggage, and helps you find the smooth highways of life. Good luck.

Answer: If you are in a committed relationship, i.e. one that has lasted for over a year, is more or less exclusive, co-habitating or leading towards, and with some thought toward the future, then you have to wonder why your honey actually wants to go anywhere without you on a trip, especially somewhere that will produce lots of memories and adventure like a foreign trip. See, here’s the thing: If your partner is focused on you, then they will want to create a life WITH you. They wouldn’t want to have a separate life with separate memories and experiences. No, they would want to create a shared life with you. So, as a result, here’s Relationship Lab Axiom #457: If your partner is making travel plans without you, they are making life plans without you.

It bears repeating:

Relationship Lab Axiom 457: IF YOUR PARTNER IS MAKING TRAVEL PLANS WITHOUT YOU, THEY ARE MAKING LIFE PLANS WITHOUT YOU.

What does “life plans” mean? That’s a good question. But perhaps they haven’t been completely forthright with you. Who knows, maybe there’s another lover in the picture or they are looking for one. Either way, it’s not a good sign.

I personally have seen this situation played out with some people I know. In some cases the people who went on this gender only trip were engaged to be married. My advice for the other people in these relationships? Cancel the engagement and don’t look back. And consider yourself lucky to have missed a big bullet.

First a little history. The kernels of this whole scene originate from a website called “Fast Seduction” in the late 90s. At this point, there was a guy called “Mystery” from Toronto who was a shy geek magician who dissected the clear path to a woman’s vagina and published his field reports and analysis on the FS message boards. Later on, in the early to mid 90s a shy, virginal journalist from Rolling Stone called Neil Strauss was intrigued by all of these internet postings and decided to write a book about it. He took a boot camp course from Mystery, called himself “Style”, spent a few years obsessed with getting into any woman’s panties and then published “The Game” about his exploits in 2005. This book popularized some of the personages in this scene and eventually guys like Mystery became mini-celebrities, appearing on late night take shows and hosting “The Pick Up Artist” on VH1.

Ok, that’s a brief rundown, but here comes the essence of my analysis. I can’t say much about Mystery in particular, except for the fact that he was portrayed as an unstable lunatic in “The Game”, but for all I know he is passionate about and believes in his techniques and probably does get laid quite a bit, albeit mostly with Russian strippers, it seems. Anyone who tries as hard as he does is bound to have some success. Putting that aside, however, I’d like to focus on some of the claims made in this scene, the kinds of products hawked over the net, and the kinds of people who buy into the products.

As long readers of this site know, I am quite familiar with a lot of the material in the scene and I have no problem with someone trying to improve themselves to get girls. Or vice versa, for girls to get guys, for that matter. I’ve even written an article defending the typical “pua” as someone who is generally just trying to improve himself. However, at this point whatever common sense techniques that work have already been presented and beaten to death ad nauseum and the only stuff left is a bunch of bs meant to sell shady products to naive, unsuspecting customers. Yes, the whole pua community has devolved into a lame get rich quick real estate seminar.

I took an hour to review some old material I had stored on my hard drive. In one video, some guy Rick was on stage, trying to sell some crap to a seminar audience. He was asked if he ever had a threesome, and his reply was “sure, having a threesome or foursome is easier than getting laid with one woman.” This smug reply was greeted by ooh and aahs from the mesmerized audience. Of course, this is complete BS. Having sex with two or three girls is NOT easier than having sex with one, nor is it entirely desirable, since it is less intimate and personal. At any rate, people “in the know” call women who are willing to have a threesome with another man and woman a “unicorn” because a sane, normal woman who is interested in such a thing is as rare as a unicorn, get it? This guy may have had some luck achieving such a thing, and believe me it is POSSIBLE, especially if you hang out in certain night clubs, but to assert that it is easier or more probable is total bs and is designed to impress a naive, vulnerable audience. The fact that such an audience would even believe such baseless hype just goes to show that the audience members probably have had very little success getting even one single woman in bed, which leads to my analysis of typical pua customers later on in this review. When the moderator asked Rick again how many threesomes he’s ever had, his reply was “you mean this week?” OK, only rock stars, pro athletes, famous actors and other such celebrities and drug dealers can answer the question this way… unless the guy is having a threesome with same two women. But different threesomes with different women occurring multiple times throughout the week? This guy is just another lame, arrogant salesman trying to sell his crap to a bunch of pansies. Enough said. I could go on and on… but I will let this serve as an example for all the tons of other mindless bs that is being preached under the banner of “PUA Training.”

Next- the typical customer. Look, I don’t begrudge the nerdy kid next door trying to better himself to get girls. That’s what self-improvement is all about- improving yourself to achieve what you want in life. And most of the guys have really good intentions- they are looking for a better social life. But there’s a nasty, dark side missing in all of this. What a lot of the sales people in this scene push is a system for men to have unlimited sex with an unlimited supply of top-shelf women of their choosing. And such a thing is not realistic. The sad truth of the matter is that most of the guys who are consumers of the PUA marketing material are guys who have a lot of issues besides just being shy. Most of them have never been socialized because they never had strong fathers to serve as role models or teach them about women. Most of their fathers were either gone or uninvolved or simply just pussies and wimps who were hen-pecked by their wives. How is a young boy supposed to learn about being a man from such a weakling father? So, what we have is a nation of young boys who grow into adolescence and young adulthood not knowing how to be men or how to interact with the opposite sex. With this inner void comes a social shame that manifests itself in an inability to form close, intimate relationships with women. As a result, they are a perfect target market for the sales professionals in the PUA scene who pitch the idea of having numerous superficial relationships with superficial women, consisting of superficial nightclub conversations and superficial sex.  If it’s all superficial, it’s there by design- there’s nothing in the inside. Is there anything wrong with wanting to have sex with lots of hot women? No. What guy would say no to that? But when it’s an obsessive drive that masks the inability to experience true intimacy, then you have a problem. And most of the guys in this community are so wounded, it’s as if they have a gaping hole in their heads with blood streaming out. Except the wounds are on the inside. As an aside, I once saw a video where a PUA guru admitted on stage that he is constantly looking for new women because, as he put it, he “sucks at sex”, which he later revealed to mean that he has premature ejaculation and women don’t come back for seconds after he finally gets them in bed. Hence, he is constantly on the lookout for more. If that isn’t a case in support of my thesis, I don’t know what is.

Bottom line- as with anything, there is something good mixed with the bad. It is a good thing to try to improve your self-esteem, your conversation skills, and your lot with women. But unfortunately, as it is now, the PUA scene has devolved into a bunch of slick marketing sharks pitching their bs wares to a bunch of sick, vulnerable individuals. I’ll think I’ll pass.

Another reason why it is difficult for me to do so (and I know this is even more lame) is that we have a dog that we got together when we first got together and we both love that dog like crazy and I don’t want to lose the dog now. I have pretty much paid for this dog but I know she wouldn’t leave it without a fight. Also, she hasn’t worked in 4 months and all the responsibilities fall on me.

I just feel like if I don’t want to be with her anymore, why take on all this responsibility, but at the same time I don’t know how to make the move without causing a scene. But at the same time I’m ready for change.

Please help me.- Frank

A: Thanks for your question Frank, it’s actually quite a common situation that you find yourself in. What you are feeling now is something called “buyer’s remorse.” You got yourself caught up in a situation too fast and only once you had “bought in” did you feel like you had made a mistake. But at this point, it almost feels too late, because now you have all these feelings of guilt about “hurting” her and feeling overly “responsible” since she is so “dependent” on you… etc, etc. Sound familiar?

Look, you obviously don’t want to be in this relationship since if you did, you wouldn’t be doubting it in the first place. Hint: that little voice inside you that tells you to move on- listen to it! All those other things you keep telling yourself about how “great” and “loving” she is, those are all excuses that you create to give yourself a rationale for not making the move. Sure she does her own share of manipulating- you’ve been together only 8 or 9 months, and now she is “SO DEPENDENT” on you- why? Sure she lost her job, but does she not have any other support system? And why is it all your responsibility when you are not even engaged or married? Is she truly dependent (and if so why is a grown individual so dependent on another) or is this just a manipulative ruse to keep you from leaving? And if so, why is she so deathly afraid of being independent from you? Sounds like there is a lot there underneath the surface that you haven’t mentioned. At any rate, I’m sure her neediness is only serving to push you away.

But still even though her needy behavior is a turn off and you clearly have lost attraction, you still cling on to her like a safety blanket and harness all of your conscious logic to look for reasons to do so. Look, I’m an animal lover too, but hanging on to a dog is no reason to continue misery and despair in an unhappy relationship. Perhaps the dog is just another rationale?

I think what you need to do here is very clear. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness to appease another’s and your happiness and piece of mind are more important than her neediness. I’m sure when you are gone from the relationship, she will find someone else to be dependent on. However, the main problem here isn’t what to do, but why you aren’t doing it. You said yourself that you don’t want to “end up running back to her.” So, despite not wanting to be with her, you’re not sure that you can be WITHOUT her. So, what we have here as the central issue is that you are afraid to be without, or in other words ALONE. Change is a scary event for all of us, but maybe you need to take a harder look inside at why you fear that may wind up running back? Is she really just dependent on you or are you just as dependent on her? These are questions only you can answer. But they are absolutely necessary to sort out if are to move forward in life doing what’s best for yourself either in this relationship or in others to come.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered directly at Ask A Question.

1. Men outnumber women by a gigantic ratio- if you are a man, get ready to put a lot of time into it
2. Be ready with an OUTSTANDING picture- an ok picture won’t do, you need something that puts you into the best light possible. That’s because people only have the visual to judge you with, and maybe to a limited extent whatever you write about yourself in your profile, but 90% of judgment goes into the picture. So if you are not photogenic, or don’t have any good pics around, just forget. Really.
3. People lie. This goes back to point #2. Since so few people are really dramatically HOT or HANDSOME, they need to try to keep up with the elite looks minority in order to get ANY attention at all. So you will get lots of people like about their height or weight, and possibly even submit photos which are 10 years old or even older.
4. Attractiveness is skewed online. Again since attractiveness is virtually the sole ingredient to picking mates online, there is an exaggerated importance put on said looks. However, due to the warped male to female ratios (see point #1), attractiveness is viewed in a somewhat skewed manner from real, everyday life. Since there are so few women to men, the women who are online will get plenty of attention from men even if they would be considered dogs in real life. To illustrate, if you were a man who was stuck on a remote desert island with a homely woman and she was the only woman around, would you mate with her even if you wouldn’t even look twice at her in real life. Of course you would, and she would probably seem like a beauty queen to boot. The men, conversely are judged much more harshly. Women don’t have the benefit of seeing the guy in action, seeing his charm and personality, so all they have to judge him by is his looks and since she has so many to choose from, she can bide her time and wait for Brad Pitt to show up.
5. Women have very different reasons for maintaining an online profile. According to point #4, women are in short supply online, so they have the ability to be more picky. As a result, women use online dating for different reasons depending on her physical appearance. For those women who can easily get dates in real life, they have no reason to look for a date online, so they use their profile almost exclusively as an ego boost to validate herself. The homely woman, who has little choice in the fierce dating world, is actually looking for a guy, but due to her short supply will also have an unrealistic perception of her desirability. She will hold out for the hottest guy, mislead him with old pics and inaccurate info, then be disappointed when he doesn’t react favorably when he meets her. Then she gets back online to repeat the process. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
6. Both women and men tend to develop negative attitudes toward the opposite sex. Since men are in high supply and low demand online, they are like ravenous dogs in chase of a piece of meat when pursuing any woman who even gives out a hint of interest. So when the woman meets the guy, she is surprised that he is an oversexed horn-dog who only wants “one thing.” Conversely, since most of the short supply women who actually want to meet are the less desirable bunch in real life, when men do meet them, they tend to meet a woman whom he considers to be “under-qualified” to be his date. Then he thinks all woman are lying fatties who think they are “too good” for someone who is on their level.

Obviously online dating doesn’t do much for the battle of the sexes. Look, it may just be possible to get lucky and meet a fantastic partner, but the odds are stacked against you for all of the above reasons. However, if you are dead set on trying and want to have the best odds at finding someone decent, I suggest staying away from the mainstream sites and look at sites with specific niche audiences.

For example, dating sites like JDate or a christian dating site or a site dedicated to any number of minority groups actually does give you a decent chance of meeting someone you’ll be happy with. Why? Because desirable people need a reason to go online dating and a niche site presents an opportunity for them to find something very SPECIFIC that they may have trouble finding in the real world. For example, if you are Jewish or Asian or Gay and you are looking for someone like yourself, you may have trouble finding or screening out people in the real world who are outside of your social circle. Hence, even though you may be a desirable partner, you may look online to help you find that very specific someone. That approach does work and I do know many people who have found their life partners in this manner. However, the general audience sites tend to attract a more general audience who fall into the categories listed above.

My advice? If you know you are looking for something very specific, than a good niche site may help you expand your search. If you are just looking to meet a variety of people to have fun with, then you’re probably better off finding happiness the old fashioned way, in the real world.

Here’s a great example: I gave two different people two different cards. One was a store bought Hallmark card, the other was a card I designed and printed out on my computer. Guess which was better received? The homemade card looked cheaper (it was printed on regular printer paper) and definitely have all of the graphics and production value of the store-bough card. However, what it didn’t have in cost, it made more than enough up with heart, affection, and personal touch. While the store-bought card was perceived as a routine, typical occurrence that didn’t require much thought, the home-made card was so out of the norm of what people expect that it’s cheap nature actually had a more endearing, positive aspect to it.

Likewise, the same kind of approach works with larger ticket items, such as jewelry. Every woman would love to get jewelry as a gift, but again, it doesn’t have to break the bank and really, a more personal touch is more appreciated anyway. For example, an item of jewelry with something personal, such as a monogrammed name or personal message is far more effective than a more expensive piece of jewelry that may have more exquisite diamonds or whatever, but doesn’t look like a lot of personal thought was put into it.A bracelet with your honey’s name or a ring with a thoughtful message on the inside is always a better gift than a more expensive item that could’ve been easily purchased by just anyone from any old catalog.

Best thing to do is think of something your lover might like and then think of a way to personalize it and make it unique. Extra points go to a self-authored message or any hand-made aspect of the gift. Sometimes something that looks cheaper actually has more value than something which costs more. Remember, it is the INTENT not the expense which wins you points with your honey on gift giving day.

So what exactly do I mean by “power”? I define power as the ability to have control over oneself or others. Control doesn’t necessarily have to mean something evil or nefarious. In the sense it is used in this article, power is the ability to define one’s future and destiny, it is the ability to attract a mate, and it is the ability to maintain the attraction of your mate. The beauty of an attractive woman to seduce men is a source of power for her. The ability to maintain composure and control of a conversation (aka CHARM) is a type of power. And of course, status and influence, one of the greatest sources of attraction, is pure power in action.

In the framework of relationships, power is always shifting and changing. In this sense, power is the energy dynamic of a relationship. Power can be exchanged, for example a husband taking his wife on a romantic dinner in order to get sex that tonight. In this example, the man exchanges his power as a provider for the woman’s power as a sex object. Power can be distributed, for example, the man might have control of a certain aspect of the relationship such as investment decisions, while the woman might have control of daily spending decisions. Power can constantly shift, such as when the man may decide what to do on Friday night, while the woman has decision power on Saturday night. Power can be lost, when one of the partners falls out of love with the other. And power can be experimented and played with, such as in a consensual S&M scene. But lest you only take away one thing from this article: Power exists within the very framework of every single relationship.

Next time you are with your partner, think about the following: How often do you end up doing what you want, or at least compromising fairly, rather than what only your partner wants? How often do you feel sexy, wanted, desired, appreciated or in general in control of your self-esteem? How often do you feel secure knowing that your partner is completely vested in your well being? If you answered positively to all of the above, then you are a powerful being within your own relationship. Power is not a zero sum game- in other words, if you have power, it doesn’t mean that your partner has less. The best relationships are comprised of equally powerful individuals who have learned how to share and delegate their mutual power.

So how do you become more powerful? Know yourself and know what you want. Know your strong points and know your limits. Once you discover who you are and what you want and you strive for it with a single minded aim, then you are on your way to personal growth and power. And then you’ll be ready to share your journey with someone else who has enough of their own power to play with you.

1. Get a room- it doesn’t have to be expensive, you can get a cheap motel room in many cities for $40-$50… if you have more of a budget, get one with a jacuzzi… there are actually “adult motels” that cater to adult couples, where you can get a room for the day or night and includes a hot tub and romantic decor and bubble baths, etc and are actually quite cheap. The point isn’t that you have to do something exotic, just getting away to a different place for the night makes you feel like you are away on vacation, and if you can pay a little more for a nice room with amenities, you really will. Likewise, during the month of January plenty of locations are offering free or dirt cheap rooms just to get you to come during a slow time. This is a great way to visit AC or Las Vegas for next to nothing. Just don’t gamble too much at the roulette wheel.

2. Any outdoor activies- most people at this time of year get really sedentary and stay indoors to get away from the cold. You might not have the money or skills to lay down serious cash on a ski resort, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay in the house. County skiing, for example, can be done for roughly $20 per person in the northeast or you can just get an inner tube or sled and make your way to the top of any snow covered hill. For those in warmer climes, go out to a park and have a picnic or go hiking. Just breaking out of your every day routine can make it feel like you are on a special trip and doesn’t have to cost anything at all.

3. A focus on the arts- Very little inspires romance like the arts, so why not do something arts related to provide some diversity in your life. You don’t have to go to an expensive Broadway type show or an expensive museum, there are plenty of student or amateur theatrical productions that cost next to nothing or free galleries that showcase up and coming artists and even provide free wine to boot. Likewise, some museums such as MOMA here in NYC offer free nights on select days for the public. If you’d rather participate than watch, there are plenty of figure drawing events in most major cities, where for $10 or less you can show up for a few hours and draw figure models in the nude. One place in NYC even provides free alcohol while you draw. The point is there’s many free or cheap options to do something artsy with your mate… and most major cities have free weekly publications that give you the scoop on all the happenings going on that week.

Adding variety, intrigue and excitement in your relationship doesn’t require any money. All it takes is the desire to invest yourself in your relationship.

But how is it possible to always be unpredictable and spontaneous? The key is not to strive to do so continuously (that would make it less predictable and spontaneous wouldn’t it?) but to pick your moments carefully for maximum effect. That’s what I call “hitting the high points.” In other words, most people only remember the strongest, most emotional times of a relationship, whether they be good or bad. The good moments are obviously the “high points”, while the bad times are the “low points”. You’re objective is to have way, way more high points than low points. No one remembers the routines or daily grind, but everyone remembers the high and low points, so make sure to utilize your high points to maximum effect.

So how do you make sure you always hit the high points? For starter,s plan on doing something out of routine at least twice a week. Plan a date night, go to the movies or a new restaurant, or an overnight stay at a hotel with a hot tub. Surprise your honey now and then… doesn’t have to be expensive, could be flowers or chocolates or a nice card. Remember your behavior has to change a bit once you get the girl. Even though I would never recommend taking a new date to a restaurant on a first date, once you have the girl it is entirely appropriate to those things you never did when you first started dating. Most guys get it wrong- they lavish a girl when they are first dating, then become couch potatoes when they are a couple. As readers and students of this website, you will do the opposite. You will make the girl prove herself first, then reward her for her loving behavior.  Don’t skimp on “value added” activities like exotic vacations or romantic getaways, these are the exact kinds of high points that your woman will never forget and will love you for. Remember, hitting the high points is like adding money into a bank account- it is an investment in your relationship.

Once your lover is filled with memories of great times every time she looks at you, every time she is waiting on the next adventure or romance enthusiastically, every time she comes home not knowing what to expect, you can be sure that you’ve done a great job of hitting the high points. And then your relationship will be much, much smoother and long-lasting, I promise!

A girl I have been seeing for about three months now has all of a sudden decided that she wants to take a break from me. Here’s my story:

I’ve known of this beautiful and intelligent girl for years but never made any attempt at meeting her. Three months ago we started to chat on Facebook and within a couple of weeks decided we should talk on the phone. Everything since that point has been great! Excellent. We started traveling to see each other often. It’s a 1.5hr distance relationship.

We both confessed to each other how we can’t believe or understand the chemistry that is flowing between us. We’ve told each other we love one another and have talked about being together for a long time. I can’t stop thinking about her and although she wants this break, I bet she feels the same way. She has told me how much she likes me and that her parents are happy to see her with someone normal. She told me that everyone at her work can see how happy she is to be with me. As crazy as this might sound, last week she told me that her boss, Dr. So & So told her that she will end up marrying me. I have felt so strong about this relationship in such a short period of time that I have to agree. So, everything is just fine.

On to the, “I think we should take a break” part:

This past weekend was the first weekend we didn’t spend together as an intimate couple. She had plans to stay up north and do her family shopping tradition. We both thought that was fine because I would see her on Sunday. So, I drove up Sunday morning to pick her up and head to my parents. She said she was nervous and I comforted her and told her it would be okay and not to worry. She started to discuss how she feels nervous about the two of us and how quickly things are moving. She continued to say that the weekend apart gave her some time to think about what she has been doing and is unsure what she is doing is the right thing, meaning being with me and coming down to see me while leaving everything else she loves and does “on hold” while she is with me. I told her I don’t expect her to change anything she loves for me and that I love her for who she is and I thought she loves me, for me, as well.

I called my girl later when I was back from the weekend because I wanted to talk more about what we had talked about. I could feel inside somewhere that she might be trying to break it off with me for some unknown reason and wanted to make sure I knew what I was dealing with. The conversation picked up from where it left off about how, “she has her life, and I have mine” and she’s not sure she can make any changes to her life to be with me. She loves her job and her family and doesn’t want to give up on any of it (but in the past has talked about how she would consider it). I, on the other hand was currently let go and am currently unemployed. I could do anything. We talked about how I don’t expect her to make any drastic changes for me and reminded her of how we already had talked about how taking it slow like we have been will lead us to the right decisions when the time is right. The talk felt great. It felt like we were on the same page again and we both were teary eyed. We ended the conversation with a, “have a good night and we’ll talk tomorrow”.

The talk tomorrow:

We texted back and forth as we normally do and I was having a great day until she called me on her way home from work to ask, “I was wondering if you had thought more about what we had talked about and if you had anything to say that could help me with the way I am feeling?” I wasn’t expecting that question at all. I told her, yes, I had been thinking about that but was unsure what she means. Immediately the conversation was back at where it was the night before and ended shortly after. During this call I knew she was ready to break it off for whatever reason I am unaware of. She said that she was nervous about us and doesn’t know what she is thinking. She doesn’t know why she feels the way she does all of a sudden and thinks we should take a break. I held myself really well, better than I ever thought I could in this situation. I told her that I can’t help but feel that she is breaking this off with me and asked if that is what she is doing. She continued to say that she doesn’t know and I told her I need to have a straight forward answer to understand all of this. I never recieved an answer. At the end of our talk I asked her, “so is this it?” and she said, “I think we should take a break.” I told her to call me when she wants to talk and that I am here for her. We said our goodbyes and that was it.

Feeling totally bummed out at this point.

Later that evening I felt sick and confused and began to develop cloudy memories of this whole ordeal. I wanted to respond with one last thing before I gave her the break she desires. I sent her a message on Facebook that read, “I respect your decision to take a break if that’s what you want. You should be happy! I know it seems out of the ordinary to feel the way we do so fast but I think anything is possible. I am here for you when you want to talk, ok!” She responded this evening with a simple, “thx josh”. That is that. I have not spent one second of
communication with her since. I know that is the best thing to do to keep from pushing her away any further.

My question now is, what should I make of all of this?

Thanks so much for any advice. I feel like she will come back to me but am worried. I love this girl and I believe she loves me, she’s just scared and nervous.

**just a note. Although I think this seems like child play I will mention it anyhow. She removed our relationship status on Facebook from her home page but kept it on her details page.

Stupid, I know, but maybe that says something, I don’t know.

-Wondering

A: Thanks for your email. Your question is very similar to others that have been asked in the mailbag, so I will refer you to read some of those. However, I think your question has some additional interesting aspects that require an answer of their own.

The first thing I notice is the length and detail of your question, which hopefully my readers will be able to slog through. While I commend your approach of giving this girl some space, what your email indicates is that you are being extremely obsessive about this girl, which probably translates in the things you do in real life. For example, if you are constantly worrying about and thinking about and feeling emotionally dependent on a girl, she will pick up on that and be at least a little turned off. At the very least, you will not be representing yourself in the most attractive light.

Also, you are doing a lot of unhealthy things such as projecting, rationalizing, and mind reading. Projecting means that you are ascribing the way you feel onto the way you think others are feeling. For example, you state “I can’t stop thinking about her and although she wants this break, I bet she feels the same way“- how can you possibly be sure that she feels the same way? What is your evidence? Remember- she wants to break up with you. Girls in love NEVER want to break up. If you only get one thing out of this response, just remember and understand this one sacred point- WOMEN NEVER GIVE MIXED SIGNALS WHEN THEY ARE IN LOVE. Another dangerous mind trick you employ is rationalizing, which means trying to find logical evidence to support your feelings. You give evidence that her employer, a DR nonetheless, stated with absolute certainty that you two will get married, hence it must be a certainty that you, in fact, will. Really, I don’t see how this Dr. has anything to do with her decision to “take a break”, but surely if you try to be as objective as possible, you can see how your mind is grasping for straws.

But hey, I don’t want you to get the feeling that I am attacking you at this point. I just want you to understand that, despite your best intentions, you’re not thinking clearly, and that’s actually quite normal for people who are in a strong emotional state. I also want to point out that despite your best efforts at making her feel “comfortable” and “secure” during your long phone chat, it has absolutely no effect on her decision. That’s because logic and rational thinking has absolutely nothing to do with emotion and she is basing her actions on emotion, exclusively.

So what’s going on with her? Who knows? Maybe she is a little turned off with your “needy” behavior (and trust me, she feels when you need her), maybe she met another guy, or maybe she was never that deeply attracted in the first place. Another sacred point- Once in love, women never fall out of love without a precipitating reason. Nebulous excuses such as “I’m just not feeling it anymore” or “I just need some space right now” or “It’s not you, it’s me” are always BS. So, my hunch is that there is a clear reason for all of this, probably one that she is deliberately not sharing with you. Should you try to hammer it out of her? No, that will only push her further away.

So what can you do? If you really want her back, just forget about her. Don’t even give her that window of allowing her to come back to you when she’s ready. The only thing that will happen is that she will call you when she is down and use you like an emotional tampon and then revert back to status quo once she feels better. Remember, how did that long talk work out for you? Third sacred point- Once out of love, a woman NEVER falls back in love unless something drastic happens. What is that certain something drastic? Listen, you just need to disappear completely from her life. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook. If she wants you back, she has to realize that she is about to lose you and that she has made a terrible mistake. If you give her the window to contact you as she pleases, you are not really disappearing from her life, are you? I know it’s tough and it will be painful, but hear me clearly- this is your ONLY recourse.

If she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn’t, she won’t, But at least you won’t be wasting your time and your emotional resources. Stop looking at her Facebook page and stop all contact and most importantly, stop WORRYING about what you did or did not do. One of the easiest and most common things to do at this time is blame yourself for the situation. Let me ask you a question- if she’s been seeing another guy this whole time behind your back, would you still feel like she’s a delicate flower that you need to caress over the phone?

Listen grasshopper, one of the hardest and most challenging aspects of human relationships is learning to see what’s really going on, rather than seeing what you WANT to see. And if you opened your eyes clearly here, you’ll see that there’s “something rotten in Denmark.”

Good luck.

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