Q: I have been in a relationship for almost a year. To give you a little background, we met and shortly after we started dating, and shortly after that she moved in with me. That was probably 8 or 9 months ago.
Now my problem is that for the past couple of months I have felt like I am ready for something new and want to break it off. But because she is so dependent on me and I feel like I have taken it this far I find it very hard to find the guts to just tell her how I feel because even though I feel that way, she has not done anything to make that happen. She is a great girlfriend and a loving person and I don’t want to hurt her. But even more I don’t want to end up hurting myself and end up running back to her.

Another reason why it is difficult for me to do so (and I know this is even more lame) is that we have a dog that we got together when we first got together and we both love that dog like crazy and I don’t want to lose the dog now. I have pretty much paid for this dog but I know she wouldn’t leave it without a fight. Also, she hasn’t worked in 4 months and all the responsibilities fall on me.

I just feel like if I don’t want to be with her anymore, why take on all this responsibility, but at the same time I don’t know how to make the move without causing a scene. But at the same time I’m ready for change.

Please help me.- Frank

A: Thanks for your question Frank, it’s actually quite a common situation that you find yourself in. What you are feeling now is something called “buyer’s remorse.” You got yourself caught up in a situation too fast and only once you had “bought in” did you feel like you had made a mistake. But at this point, it almost feels too late, because now you have all these feelings of guilt about “hurting” her and feeling overly “responsible” since she is so “dependent” on you… etc, etc. Sound familiar?

Look, you obviously don’t want to be in this relationship since if you did, you wouldn’t be doubting it in the first place. Hint: that little voice inside you that tells you to move on- listen to it! All those other things you keep telling yourself about how “great” and “loving” she is, those are all excuses that you create to give yourself a rationale for not making the move. Sure she does her own share of manipulating- you’ve been together only 8 or 9 months, and now she is “SO DEPENDENT” on you- why? Sure she lost her job, but does she not have any other support system? And why is it all your responsibility when you are not even engaged or married? Is she truly dependent (and if so why is a grown individual so dependent on another) or is this just a manipulative ruse to keep you from leaving? And if so, why is she so deathly afraid of being independent from you? Sounds like there is a lot there underneath the surface that you haven’t mentioned. At any rate, I’m sure her neediness is only serving to push you away.

But still even though her needy behavior is a turn off and you clearly have lost attraction, you still cling on to her like a safety blanket and harness all of your conscious logic to look for reasons to do so. Look, I’m an animal lover too, but hanging on to a dog is no reason to continue misery and despair in an unhappy relationship. Perhaps the dog is just another rationale?

I think what you need to do here is very clear. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness to appease another’s and your happiness and piece of mind are more important than her neediness. I’m sure when you are gone from the relationship, she will find someone else to be dependent on. However, the main problem here isn’t what to do, but why you aren’t doing it. You said yourself that you don’t want to “end up running back to her.” So, despite not wanting to be with her, you’re not sure that you can be WITHOUT her. So, what we have here as the central issue is that you are afraid to be without, or in other words ALONE. Change is a scary event for all of us, but maybe you need to take a harder look inside at why you fear that may wind up running back? Is she really just dependent on you or are you just as dependent on her? These are questions only you can answer. But they are absolutely necessary to sort out if are to move forward in life doing what’s best for yourself either in this relationship or in others to come.

Good luck.

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