One of the most painful things that can happen in one’s lifetime is the dissolution of a relationship, particularly a long-term relationship where both of you had planning a future together. All of a sudden it feels like all your plans and dreams are shattered and you are left having to pick up the pieces, not knowing where to start. Often, a big reason behind this pain is that both people were not on the same page. In other words, one person was thinking long-term and making plans, while the other was hedging his/her bets and going with the flow. The surprise occurred because the committed partner mistakenly thought the other one was thinking along the same lines. So how can you possibly know that your partner is as committed as you are, that they share the same dreams and goals as you? Even if they are saying the right things, how do you know they are being truthful, especially since most people don’t have the communication skills and emotional maturity to directly tell their partner that they are unsure about their future together?

First, as I’ve mentioned in other articles, I would completely disregard what your partner says directly to you about their intentions and instead focus exclusively on their ACTIONS and INDIRECT verbal communication. Indirect verbal communication refers to reading between the lines to understand the meaning. I’m not referring to trying to project and guess at your partner’s thoughts or try to be a mindreader, but rather make logical conclusions from strong verbal evidence. Let’s break this down a bit further.

Actions in this regard refer to overt physical displays of commitment. For example, moving in with your partner is a physical display regarding your commitment to your combined futures. Creating a joint banking account, sharing expenses, involving both sets of parents in family events are all examples of actions that show a high level of future commitment. If your partner refuses to move in with you (after an appropriate length of time), refuses to meet your parents or have you meet his or hers,  or just generally refuses to combine your lives more closely, than that is a clear sign of lack of commitment, and if that is something that you desire, then you are both not on the same page.

Indirect verbal communication refers to things that your partner says in a more alluding fashion, rather than directly. For example, direct communication in this instance would mean that your partner will just tell you “I’m committed to you” or “I want to have a family with you one day” or “One day we will get married.” These are all direct statements. In my experience, never pay too much credence to direct statements. Don’t disregard them entirely, but look at other clues more closely. It is just too easy to lie and be misleading via direct communication, but much harder to hide your intentions indirectly.  Information via indirect communication will come more subtly and will often be more truthful. More specifically look for forward-looking statements from your partner indicating that you are in their plans. For example, instead of saying “Yes, I want to have kids with you”, which may be a lie just to appease you if you are pressuring them, you can be more certain of the truthfulness of your partner’s statement if he or she says “When we have kids, then one of us should try to get a second job (or fill in the blanks with some other such statement)” since the message is more about getting a second job, then about children, so mentioning having kids is a strong indication that they are internally thinking about it. In other words, you can rely more on the veracity of your partner’s intentions if they are incorporating these ideas into their regular speech, as opposed to making grand pronouncements.

Let’s take a look at a few more examples to make it as clear as possible:

Direct verbal communication                                 Indirect verbal communication
“I would love to get married”                                 “Once we are married, let’s start a family”
“I would like to be with you forever”                     “Let’s start saving now for a house”
“I think we have long term potential”                    “Let’s take a trip to China next year”
“I would like our families to get closer”                 “Let’s take a picnic with your parents and mine”
“I find you very attractive”                                    “Let’s go out tonight so you can show off that dress”
“I think the sex is great”                                         “I’m feeling a little frisky tonight…. again”

As you can see, with the first group, the person is trying to convey a clear, deliberate message to the other person. However, since it is so deliberate, it is easy to be deceitful about something that has been carefully thought about it. The second group indicates a more natural flow to language, the way a person speaks spontaneously, more genuinely and without much thought, and so is far more likley to be a reliable barometer of their true intentions.

Remember, when trying to determine your partner’s true intentions, look at their actions and indirect communication and you will never be steered wrongly.

Good luck.