Last week aired an episode on the Tyra Banks show about couples who had saved themselves for marriage, but had still been unable to consummate sex even after marriage.  Apparently, the women had such a fear of being penetrated, that they tightened up their muscles, causing great pain and discomfort and making the vaginal opening so small that, in one case, even a pencil couldn’t be inserted. Obviously, this issue caused great embarrassment and stress for the couples. They admitted that they were constantly at odds and arguing, blaming each other and feeling like something vital was missing in their relationship.  Each couple asserted that, although their marriage was tested to its limits, they were still committed to each other.

At one point, Tyra asked each of the men if, had they known about their future wives problems before marriage, would they still go through with it. Even though each guy said yes, the long pause and sad demeanor indicated that perhaps that really wouldn’t have been the case. At any rate, I commend all of the guys for sticking by their wives, trying to be supportive and working through this tough issue as a team. Unfortunately, however, unless this problem is resolved, these marriages may either not make it or will constantly be under duress.  Healthy sex is absolutely critical in a healthy relationship. And if these couples cannot have sex normally, their relationship will not be completely healthy no matter if all the other aspects are fine.

This episode, however did bring to light an even larger issue concerning the role of premarital sex in establishing and building a relationship. All of these couples had made the conscious decision to wait to have sex until marriage. All of the women were virgins, and a few of the men were as well.  In hindsight, it was a good decision for the women because they were able to marry a loving man without the risk of losing him to prior to marriage due to her sexual fears. But it was a poor decision for the men because they are now stuck in a sexless marriage with nowhere to turn. If they had tried to have intercourse prior to marriage (with the same failed outcome) and still decided to marry the woman, they would have at least done so with full disclosure and enough information to make an informed decision.

This situation works both ways- it’s not just the men finding out about the women. The women too have to make an informed decision about the man and should be aware of such things as impotence and micropenis before making such a dramatic decision as getting married. Look, I understand marriage is about love and commitment, but love does not necessarily equal happiness and we all deserve to find happiness in our lives. Like I wrote above, I commend those men on the show for staying true to their wives and trying to work it out, but all of the those couples had been through YEARS of therapy with little to no results. One couple had even been trying to have sex for SEVEN years!  Clearly some of these cases were unresponsive to all of the different types of therapy attempted. That guy might love his wife but can he truly be happy and fulfilled to be sexless for over SEVEN YEARS??? Is that a fair burden to place on him?

When you take into consideration how our society has changed, it makes you wonder what kind of rational reasons anyone could have for abstaining from sex until marriage. Society has evolved in both good and bad ways- we have a lot more social freedom and mobility, but at the same time communities are less cohesive and there is less stigma about divorce.  Our society is far more complicated than it was thousands of years ago when most of our moral codes and religious doctrines were developed.  One may have religious reasons for abstaining, but there really are no RATIONAL reasons for abstaining, especially when starting or in a committed relationship. In fact, there are a lot of pros to having sex sooner, rather than later in a relationship. Sex is used to determine compatibility and find more information about a potential serious relationship. Sex is so important in a relationship, that sexual incompatibilities can destroy even the most otherwise suitable of partnerships.  As a result, it actually becomes prudent to engage in (safe) sex prior to making a long-term commitment. Otherwise, you might just find yourself in a relationship you didn’t bargain for.

Remember, a great relationship depends on love and commitment. But neither love and commitment is enough to weather the storm of a horrible or non-existent sex life. The lack of sex will end up testing and diminishing both love and commitment over time.  Ensure yourself the chance for a lifetime of happiness by determining your compatibility with your partner before making any long-term decisions, and that includes sexual compatibility.