A lot of times people venture into, and eventually get stuck in a relationship where the person they are dating has a lot of positive qualities, but yet isn’t exactly everything they are looking for. So, as a result, that other person becomes a “project”, or someone that their partner is trying to change to become exactly what they want them to be. Does something like this ever work? Is it possible to change someone into what you want them to be?

First, it’s important to understand what can and cannot be changed about a person. Certain things, like anxiety and phobias have been proven to have a high success rate of being cured if handled with the right kind of therapy. However, as you go deeper and deeper into someone’s core personality and self, it becomes significantly more difficult to change. Substance abuse and other addictions present a harder challenge than phobias, but there is still a lot of hope towards change. However, even though someone may stop drinking or taking drugs, they are still far more susceptible to being addicted again if they ever use the substances again.

As you go further into personality traits, it becomes more and more unclear how much and to what extent someone’s personality can be altered.  It’s true that there have been many people who’s personalities have evolved or changed throughout their lives, but this is usually as a result of some intensive life event or trauma. For example, someone who survived an atrocious war on the front lines, could find themselves a completely transformed person upon arriving home.  Someone who has been the victim of some other atrocity such as rape, an explosion, or a terrorist attack can also be deeply altered by the experience. However, the fact that a truly transformative event had to take place in order to alter the person’s personality lends credence to the fact that someone probably would not be able to be changed by a pesky significant other trying to make them “see the light” through the normal course of daily life. You see, it takes such a tremendous, significant amount of work over a consistent period of time to create sustained change that no attempt at change will work AT ALL unless the individual wants to change for themselves. So, as a result, trying to coerce change through external pressure is primed for failure. Change has to be brought on by sustained internal will or by a traumatic, life-altering external experience. Neither of which has any relation to someone trying to pressure their loved one into changing.

Deeper into someone’s core, no change is possible. For example, extensive research has shown that it is impossible to change someone’s core sexual preference or sexual identity. Sexual identity, in particular, seems to be the most immutable human characteristic.

So, in conclusion, don’t try to change your partner. It will never work unless they want to change, and even that is not guarantee for success. Either find someone that you can accept 100% for who they are or learn to accept your partner. Anything else is doomed for failure.