Q: Hi, I was wondering if emails tend to destroy long distance relationships? My husband and I are in different countries right now, and we email more than call. I’ve noticed we tend to fight more and when I write him a letter expressing my POV on a subject, he usually takes it wrong because he can’t see how I ’said’ it; he can’t see my facial expressions or hear my voice inflections. I was married before, and I noticed then too that emails were harming our relationship so my ex had decided to keep email communication to a minimum. I told my husband that I feel emails destroy relationships and I’d like to keep our communication to the phone, but he thinks I’m just blaming technology to avoid addressing his concerns. (We dont discuss my previous relationship, so I can’t tell him that I’m saying it from experience). Please let me know what you think, and if there has been any survey regarding this issue that could ‘prove’ that emails can destroy relationships, or at least harm them.
Thanks.

-Mara

A: Mara, that was a great question. Actually, I’ve been putting much thought into this same question myself just recently. I had a conversation not long ago with a well known family therapist in my area about some of the issues she sees in her practice, and she said that from what she’s seen, technology is probably one of the biggest destroyers of relationships. Every week she has new clients come in who’s relationship was ruined or is on the rocks due to some message or comment left on Facebook or Myspace or someone breaking into someone’s email account and reading something they weren’t supposed to, or finding suspicious texts on someone’s cell phone, etc, etc. The list just goes on and on. So basically technology is a great pro and con in the world of relationships…. it can allow for easier access to meeting and communicating with new people, and it also allows for more ability to be caught (or misunderstood to be doing) something you shouldn’t be doing. So I can speak authoritatively that technology is a major stumbling block in modern relationships.

That said, I see that there are more problems in your relationship than just emails. For one, the fact that there are closed lines of communication about important issues (such as previous relationships) is a red flag that perhaps you guys need to do a better job of communicating in general.  Also, it may be possible that the way you communicate in emails is a reflection of the way you communicate vocally, so that it only seems like you are arguing more over email because you email more than talk. Obviously, the lack of vocal intonation does make it more difficult to understand the nuances of communication, but it seems like you two aren’t yet attuned to each other’s communication styles, or those email misunderstandings would be less pronounced.

Overall, based on the information you’ve provided me, I would say this is a more of a general problem of communication within the relationship, rather than a specific issue focused mainly around the use of emails. I’m also concerned that your husband so easily brushes aside your concerns about wanting to speak more on the phone. My best advice would be to try to see someone who is well versed in communication problems within relationships, such as a marriage counselor when you two have the opportunity to be together. If you’re going to be long-distance for awhile, this is going to be more of a challenge, like trying to fix an airplane while in flight, but still doable if both of you are on the same page and willing to both acknowledge the problem.  Best thing you can do right now is make it clear to him that you would like to improve your communication as a couple and that your relationship is important to you. An excellent book on this topic is “Verbal Judo” by George Thompson. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango, so I hope he is willing to hear you out.

PS- I don’t know of any studies off the top of my head, but I’m always a sucker for a good study and will pass along the info if I find anything.

Good luck.

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