Q: Hi, thanks for your time.

A girl I have been seeing for about three months now has all of a sudden decided that she wants to take a break from me. Here’s my story:

I’ve known of this beautiful and intelligent girl for years but never made any attempt at meeting her. Three months ago we started to chat on Facebook and within a couple of weeks decided we should talk on the phone. Everything since that point has been great! Excellent. We started traveling to see each other often. It’s a 1.5hr distance relationship.

We both confessed to each other how we can’t believe or understand the chemistry that is flowing between us. We’ve told each other we love one another and have talked about being together for a long time. I can’t stop thinking about her and although she wants this break, I bet she feels the same way. She has told me how much she likes me and that her parents are happy to see her with someone normal. She told me that everyone at her work can see how happy she is to be with me. As crazy as this might sound, last week she told me that her boss, Dr. So & So told her that she will end up marrying me. I have felt so strong about this relationship in such a short period of time that I have to agree. So, everything is just fine.

On to the, “I think we should take a break” part:

This past weekend was the first weekend we didn’t spend together as an intimate couple. She had plans to stay up north and do her family shopping tradition. We both thought that was fine because I would see her on Sunday. So, I drove up Sunday morning to pick her up and head to my parents. She said she was nervous and I comforted her and told her it would be okay and not to worry. She started to discuss how she feels nervous about the two of us and how quickly things are moving. She continued to say that the weekend apart gave her some time to think about what she has been doing and is unsure what she is doing is the right thing, meaning being with me and coming down to see me while leaving everything else she loves and does “on hold” while she is with me. I told her I don’t expect her to change anything she loves for me and that I love her for who she is and I thought she loves me, for me, as well.

I called my girl later when I was back from the weekend because I wanted to talk more about what we had talked about. I could feel inside somewhere that she might be trying to break it off with me for some unknown reason and wanted to make sure I knew what I was dealing with. The conversation picked up from where it left off about how, “she has her life, and I have mine” and she’s not sure she can make any changes to her life to be with me. She loves her job and her family and doesn’t want to give up on any of it (but in the past has talked about how she would consider it). I, on the other hand was currently let go and am currently unemployed. I could do anything. We talked about how I don’t expect her to make any drastic changes for me and reminded her of how we already had talked about how taking it slow like we have been will lead us to the right decisions when the time is right. The talk felt great. It felt like we were on the same page again and we both were teary eyed. We ended the conversation with a, “have a good night and we’ll talk tomorrow”.

The talk tomorrow:

We texted back and forth as we normally do and I was having a great day until she called me on her way home from work to ask, “I was wondering if you had thought more about what we had talked about and if you had anything to say that could help me with the way I am feeling?” I wasn’t expecting that question at all. I told her, yes, I had been thinking about that but was unsure what she means. Immediately the conversation was back at where it was the night before and ended shortly after. During this call I knew she was ready to break it off for whatever reason I am unaware of. She said that she was nervous about us and doesn’t know what she is thinking. She doesn’t know why she feels the way she does all of a sudden and thinks we should take a break. I held myself really well, better than I ever thought I could in this situation. I told her that I can’t help but feel that she is breaking this off with me and asked if that is what she is doing. She continued to say that she doesn’t know and I told her I need to have a straight forward answer to understand all of this. I never recieved an answer. At the end of our talk I asked her, “so is this it?” and she said, “I think we should take a break.” I told her to call me when she wants to talk and that I am here for her. We said our goodbyes and that was it.

Feeling totally bummed out at this point.

Later that evening I felt sick and confused and began to develop cloudy memories of this whole ordeal. I wanted to respond with one last thing before I gave her the break she desires. I sent her a message on Facebook that read, “I respect your decision to take a break if that’s what you want. You should be happy! I know it seems out of the ordinary to feel the way we do so fast but I think anything is possible. I am here for you when you want to talk, ok!” She responded this evening with a simple, “thx josh”. That is that. I have not spent one second of
communication with her since. I know that is the best thing to do to keep from pushing her away any further.

My question now is, what should I make of all of this?

Thanks so much for any advice. I feel like she will come back to me but am worried. I love this girl and I believe she loves me, she’s just scared and nervous.

**just a note. Although I think this seems like child play I will mention it anyhow. She removed our relationship status on Facebook from her home page but kept it on her details page.

Stupid, I know, but maybe that says something, I don’t know.

-Wondering

A: Thanks for your email. Your question is very similar to others that have been asked in the mailbag, so I will refer you to read some of those. However, I think your question has some additional interesting aspects that require an answer of their own.

The first thing I notice is the length and detail of your question, which hopefully my readers will be able to slog through. While I commend your approach of giving this girl some space, what your email indicates is that you are being extremely obsessive about this girl, which probably translates in the things you do in real life. For example, if you are constantly worrying about and thinking about and feeling emotionally dependent on a girl, she will pick up on that and be at least a little turned off. At the very least, you will not be representing yourself in the most attractive light.

Also, you are doing a lot of unhealthy things such as projecting, rationalizing, and mind reading. Projecting means that you are ascribing the way you feel onto the way you think others are feeling. For example, you state “I can’t stop thinking about her and although she wants this break, I bet she feels the same way“- how can you possibly be sure that she feels the same way? What is your evidence? Remember- she wants to break up with you. Girls in love NEVER want to break up. If you only get one thing out of this response, just remember and understand this one sacred point- WOMEN NEVER GIVE MIXED SIGNALS WHEN THEY ARE IN LOVE. Another dangerous mind trick you employ is rationalizing, which means trying to find logical evidence to support your feelings. You give evidence that her employer, a DR nonetheless, stated with absolute certainty that you two will get married, hence it must be a certainty that you, in fact, will. Really, I don’t see how this Dr. has anything to do with her decision to “take a break”, but surely if you try to be as objective as possible, you can see how your mind is grasping for straws.

But hey, I don’t want you to get the feeling that I am attacking you at this point. I just want you to understand that, despite your best intentions, you’re not thinking clearly, and that’s actually quite normal for people who are in a strong emotional state. I also want to point out that despite your best efforts at making her feel “comfortable” and “secure” during your long phone chat, it has absolutely no effect on her decision. That’s because logic and rational thinking has absolutely nothing to do with emotion and she is basing her actions on emotion, exclusively.

So what’s going on with her? Who knows? Maybe she is a little turned off with your “needy” behavior (and trust me, she feels when you need her), maybe she met another guy, or maybe she was never that deeply attracted in the first place. Another sacred point- Once in love, women never fall out of love without a precipitating reason. Nebulous excuses such as “I’m just not feeling it anymore” or “I just need some space right now” or “It’s not you, it’s me” are always BS. So, my hunch is that there is a clear reason for all of this, probably one that she is deliberately not sharing with you. Should you try to hammer it out of her? No, that will only push her further away.

So what can you do? If you really want her back, just forget about her. Don’t even give her that window of allowing her to come back to you when she’s ready. The only thing that will happen is that she will call you when she is down and use you like an emotional tampon and then revert back to status quo once she feels better. Remember, how did that long talk work out for you? Third sacred point- Once out of love, a woman NEVER falls back in love unless something drastic happens. What is that certain something drastic? Listen, you just need to disappear completely from her life. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook. If she wants you back, she has to realize that she is about to lose you and that she has made a terrible mistake. If you give her the window to contact you as she pleases, you are not really disappearing from her life, are you? I know it’s tough and it will be painful, but hear me clearly- this is your ONLY recourse.

If she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn’t, she won’t, But at least you won’t be wasting your time and your emotional resources. Stop looking at her Facebook page and stop all contact and most importantly, stop WORRYING about what you did or did not do. One of the easiest and most common things to do at this time is blame yourself for the situation. Let me ask you a question- if she’s been seeing another guy this whole time behind your back, would you still feel like she’s a delicate flower that you need to caress over the phone?

Listen grasshopper, one of the hardest and most challenging aspects of human relationships is learning to see what’s really going on, rather than seeing what you WANT to see. And if you opened your eyes clearly here, you’ll see that there’s “something rotten in Denmark.”

Good luck.

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