A: Thanks for your reaching out Anna. Sounds like there are several things going on here. First is the issue of the illness. You haven’t indicated how serious this illness is, but there is probably a high probability that the illness has in someway negatively affected your sex life. That is not to say that the illness is the main contributor, but it is likely a contributing factor. 

The second aspect of your question involves your perception that you have been “too nice”, which has further pushed away your partner. Chances are if you feel that way, then your intuition has picked up on some solid clues to back it up. In my experience, when someone feels that they are “too nice”, they are only grasping the tip of the iceberg. You see, the problem isn’t whether you are nice or not, it’s that “too nice” is actually masking the real problem pushing away your partner, which is being “too needy” or “too smothering” or “too possessive.”  Everyone likes “nice people”, it’s when these “nice” people act “needy”, “smothering”, or “possessive”, while blindly thinking that they are just being “nice” that they start to alienate their partners. It’s like when teenage girls think they are attracted to “bad boys”, but what they really find attractive in those guys isn’t that they are “bad”, but that they are “confident”, “aggressive” and “independent.” Then it becomes a simply misunderstanding of cause and effect when “nice” guys (ie weak, needy, smothering guys) think that girls don’t like them because they are nice and not like the “bad” boys (ie independent, confident, aggressive guys) that girls typically fall for.

But I digress.

Thankfully all is not lost here. The best way to stop being “nice” is to assume all of the qualities that would normally attract your partner and probably attracted her in the first place…. like you know some of those “bad” qualities such as not calling constantly, not being needy, not being possessive, not being in her face all the time, and generally backing off. What you have already found is that when you back off, suddenly she comes looking for you. It’s human nature. Keep up with these independent qualities, and kick yourself when you find yourself falling back into a routine of being needy. However, and this is a key- since she is ill, you want to make it clear to her that she can count on you, that you are there for her.  But you can still be there for her without being needy, get it? It’s a tightrope to walk, but your relationship will be better for it.

Good luck.