Mailbag: Help! I think my crush may have ruined my marriage

By • Aug 2nd, 2010 • Category: Reader Mailbag

Q: I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for the last 16 years. We met young (I was 17 and him 19) and over the years I have battled a few crushes that vanished over a few months time. 3 years ago though, I developed a severe crush on another man and have spent the last few years crushing and beating myself for crushing because I genuinely love my husband with all my heart yet sometimes felt like we were in too much of a routine. He found out about the crush and took it badly. When the crush first started this other man and I had sent some e-mails back and forth talking about our dilemma as the crush was on both ends…and my husband read these e-mails.


I had stopped e-mailing and had begun really trying to work on my relationship with my husband. I booked an exotic trip away and tried to be positive and supportive as much as possible. Then my husband told me that he was going away overseas for 6 months to “find himself” as he said that he need time alone. I was devastated but respected his decision. I asked him if we should take a break and maybe even give ourselves the liberty of seeing other people with this other man clearly still in my mind. I know that this was a naive thing to do but this is what I did. We both agreed that we would take a break over the 6 months period and that we would be allowed to see other people but it would be on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis (again…I feel and felt that this is naive thinking but was still crushing and wanted to be able to see this other man). It’s been 3 months now since my husband has been away and I did start seeing this other man…I slept with him on several occasions and even had my own toothbrush at his place at one point. It was excruciatingly painful though…the remorse… and I told this other man that I could no longer see him. My relationship with this other person only helped me confirm that I deeply love my husband and that I have been foolish. Now though, I am wondering if I should tell him that I slept with this man that he absolutely despises, or should I keep it to myself…CAN I keep it to myself without giving myself stomach cancer? I feel desperate and sometimes even suicidal over this as I am so angry at myself most of the time and I am afraid of losing my husband either by telling him what happened or by exhausting myself with guilt and secrets.

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I am at my wits end.

All the best

-Andrea

A: Andrea, thanks for your question, sounds like you are in some distress. I have no idea what lies in store for your relationship, but I do know that any successful marriage takes a great deal of commitment. Here’s a basic idea of what it takes to have a decent and fulfilling life (and it’s much easier than most people suspect): 1. Choose things in your life to do (such as relationship and career) that make you feel good and happy, 2. Learn to be happy with the decisions you made, and 3. Give more than you take. So what do these principles mean? Am I saying that you must settle in order to be happy? No, I’m saying that once you found something that makes you happy (#1), don’t take it for granted and expect that the grass is greener on the other side (#2). In other words, learn to value and cherish what you already do have. Does that make sense?

In your case, sounds like you don’t even really have much feeling for this guy you are having an affair with. If anything, sounds like your husband just took things for granted on his part and let things slide and get complacent. On your end, you started feeling disenchanted with this kind of boring routine, and instead of trying to work on your relationship, you attached yourself to this other guy in order to alleviate your own unpleasant feelings of mundane boredom. Because he was different he probably seemed exciting and the forbidden nature of the whole thing sure added spice to your boring life, didn’t it? Look, I’m not trying to pick on you here, and your husband is surely guilty of letting the relationship slide, but we both know that you made a bad, big mistake here.

So what to do? Eliminate yourself from this new guy. Even if things with your husband don’t work out, you will never have a chance to have a good relationship with this new guy after all the emotional turmoil you’ve suffered, and besides, you don’t like him that much anyway. Should you tell your husband? Well frankly, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong, since you guys both agreed to see other people but not “tell” about. However, your guilt will probably make you spill it out, and who knows how your husband will take it- although we both know it won’t be good. Maybe the best thing to do is to see a therapist to sort out your guilty feelings and allow you to re-engage with your husband without all that emotional baggage. But who knows, maybe your husband has also been busy in the sack with others- although he has enjoyed it far more and without any of the guilt.
Good luck.
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