Mailbag: Help! I’m on the backburner because of the kids!
By Relationshiplab • May 6th, 2010 • Category: Reader MailbagQ: Hi. I’d like to start off by giving some history about my situation. I have been with the woman I love 9 years ago. We broke up because we were young and dumb. Needless to say, we are 30 now and back together for 4 months now. We have a 8 year old daughter and in between the break up I’ve had a son and she’s had another daughter. I was married for 7 years and she was married for 5. Both of us were not happy because we were kept comparing what WE had together… so….presently, like I said we are back together for 4 months now and things are going good except for her telling me that she has lost her “routine”.
She says now she has less time for her family, friends, and for the kids. I told her that I don’t want to come in between her and her loved ones, but I don’t want to be second to anyone. We share time with the kids together and alone. Everyone else she will put aside because she wants to spend quality time with me or the kids. Why does she keep acting like she needs space when she’ll tells me she enjoys every minute together? I am a man but I do have a sensitive side which she says she likes. I love her to death but I how do I act like I’m satisfied when I’m threatened with being put on the back burner? Ii also told her today that I will be satisfied with whatever time she has “left over” which i felt was a dumb idea because it hurt coming out being so desperate. This is how much i love her that I’m willing to settle for less than what i feel I deserve. I left my life and moved to another country to be with her. I’m lost because I want to be with her so bad that I’m stepping on my own feelings to try and make her happy. Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
-Steven
A: Hey, thanks for your thoughtful and sincere question, it’s not an easy topic to discuss. The way I see it, there’s a few things going on here. For the sake of this answer, I’m going to assume that everything you say is completely accurate, even down to the fact that you both broke up your previous marriages in a sense to be with each other. The reason I say that I’m assuming that you are an accurate reporter isn’t because you don’t seem like a trustworthy but because, with the love spell that you are under, it is very easy to project your own feelings onto another and ascribe to them as having the same feelings of love to you as you have for them. Remember, you were willing to move to another country, overturn your whole life and “step on your own feelings” just to be with her, but you have not mentioned what sacrifices she has made for you. Love is a two way street, my friend.
That said, it is very normal for a woman who has children to make her children her priority in her life, even over her husband or lover. If you feel like you are on the back burner, well guess what? You are. And that’s ok. That’s something that you have to deal with. If you are not ok with playing second fiddle to her children, then those are your own issues you have to deal with, and if you show that the situation makes you insecure, it will turn her off and push her away even more. Look, my wife and I have a newborn and she is suddenly spending all of her time with the baby, a lot of which she used to spend with me. And you know what, that’s fine. It’s healthy. There would be something wrong with her if she wasn’t focused on the baby. Instead we have to be a little less spontaneous and schedule our time, but the key is to make the most of that time and make it as special and romantic as possible. Now if you are not having any “us time” at all, that’s a different story, but you yourself mentioned that she will set aside “everyone else to be with you and the kids.”
I have no idea how this woman truthfully feels about you, but we can look at the clues. You have both come together after years of being apart and you stated that you both missed each other. If she had no interest in being with you, you two probably wouldn’t be together again. However, things are different now. She is older and has her own routine with friends, family and kids that she has cemented over the past 8 years WITHOUT you and now (as people are creatures of habit) it is very difficult to overturn her entire lifestyle to accommodate change. Another thing is that you two already know each other from the past, so maybe that honeymoon period that couples go through when first getting together has already passed the first time. The one thing that is clearly obvious is that you are not handling your new situation well. You are pouting, saying things that you later feel embarrassed about, and generally acting as insecure and self-involved as any of her children on their worst days. And trust me, what this woman wants is NOT another child.
My advice? Back off and give her a little space. Deal with your own insecurities on your own time. Instead of demanding her time and pouting about it, plan ahead to make special time for the both of you. Plan a nice dinner or romantic getaway (even if it’s only for a few hours). Make her feel special around you, not like she wants to run away from you because she has to deal with your emotional problems in addition to her children’s. Plan at least for two evenings a week together. That means only the two of you, no kids. And make the most of that time. Show her the kind of man that she first fell in love with. And trust me, she will crave more of those alone times together and will start initiating them herself.
Good luck.
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