Q: My fiance is having second thoughts about getting married. It was his idea in the first place to get engaged. Everything was going great, so I started planning. He became less and less interested in the planning process. When I confronted him he said that he wanted to wait till after our daughter was born and till we were more settled and financially stable. I let it go for awhile after that till just about a week ago. Things started getting better! We got a new apartment, one bank account, everything- so i asked him again about wanting to get married. He said he felt pushed and that you never know what could happen in a year! Hearing that killed me and put so many thoughts and insecurities in my head. I don’t understand what happened or what could have made him feel this way. Got any ideas??
-Rissa
A: Hey Rissa, thanks for your question, it’s an important one that is shared by many people. It obviously does appear that he is less actively engaged in the whole idea of getting married, but the important thing is to be able to separate his anxieties with any judgments about yourself. In other words, he may be getting cold feet and it may have nothing to do with you. The list of factors that may induce him to want to hold off are endless- his friends may be telling him horror stories about marriage, he may feel overwhelmed with your pregnancy and with the idea of being a father, he may be resistant to the whole notion of growing up and having adult responsibilities, he may have his own intimacy issues, he may have had a bad childhood where he saw his parents constantly fighting in front of him. These are just some possibilities, so without further information, it is really impossible to know. He may not even know his own reasons, except that he is feeling a jittery sensation every time he thinks of marriage. Guess what? Most people have no idea why they do the things they do, or feel the things they feel. That’s why there’s therapy.
My point in all of this is to make it clear to you that he may have a million reasons for wanting to delay marriage that may seem reasonable to him- and have absolutely NOTHING to do with you as a woman. Sometimes there’s just an inner sense that you are ready to be an adult and when you meet the right person, you are ready to get married. That’s what happened with me. In his case, he may have met the right person, but doesn’t feel ready to be an adult, so there’s a disconnect. It’s a lot of pressure on a guy to be responsible for a child and a family- especially in Western cultures where the motto is “30 is the new 20″ and it is a regular occurrence to stay in school forever and delay adulthood indefinitely.
So how do you know if his “cold feet” have anything to do with you? Make yourself this mental checklist: Are you suddenly acting too clingy? Are you giving him some space? Are you making overly strong demands regarding what he does with friends or other activities? Have you changed the way you interact with him recently? Have you prematurely shifted your role(s) from “lover” to “wife”? Are you interested in him sexually (even though you are pregnant?) If you can look at yourself honestly in this way and determine that nothing has changed from your end, then it makes it easier to be more confident that the change is with him. Another thing- if your body has changed its appearance recently due to your pregnancy and that is causing his change in attitude, then you can be assured that he’s an immature boy who is not ready to be a father.
My suggestion: Ask him directly what is making him nervous about marriage. Don’t make any ultimatums- that will only push him away. Be frank with your feelings and ask him about his feelings. Don’t blame or accuse, just ask about feelings. If he admits to being nervous, that will give you an in to explore those feelings further. You are a expecting mother, pregnant with his child so you deserve to have some sense of security and commitment.
Good luck.
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