Q: Its been 4 months into my new relationship, and its been great for the most part. We both get along so well, conversations are long and even profound, and we are so much alike that things just flow. It sounds perfect, but here’s the catch, she’s lost faith in love, and is afraid of future pains. Her past wasn’t easy, and people have left her, being who she was (an overly caring person), she now runs away from private moments, especially with me. I understand where it is coming from, and I am being patient and showing her that I am here to stay, but her fear manifests its ugly head in hurtful ways. What I mean to say is that she talks so casually about infidelity, and openly says that there’s nothing wrong with it. I know she doesn’t mean it, deep down, I can still see that pain, but these words, said with such ease does not inspire confidence, at least on her part. I am not a paranoid or jealous person by nature, but her avoiding my company, and her unchecked words in the end bring about insecurities and doubt in myself. How do I get her to open up to me, and settle my doubts and concerns?
Thanks.
- Stephen
A: Hey Stephen, thanks for the question, it’s a great one. There’s a lot going on in this relationship you are describing, so advise you to take care- of yourself first. Look, I’m going to take your word for it, and believe that a lot of horrible, terrible things have happened to her. I know it’s natural to want to be the hero and rush in and save her, but guess what? If she’s got that many issues to wade through, she needs a professional counselor, not some guy like yourself who means well but is in over his head. Believe me, you can actually do more harm than good. When she describes these painful memories, is she willing to seek professional help, or is she content to just cry on your shoulder? In a different email, you mentioned that you haven’t had sex yet- you need to be careful that she actually sees you in a romantic light, not just as an emotional wet blanket. Hey, I don’t mean to be a downer, but you need to take a look at this relationship with a hard, objective eye- she is obviously not giving you what you want, but you are doing everything in your power to satisfy her needs. That does not seem like an equal relationship to me. Yes, maybe she needs some help and guidance to feel safe in a relationship again, but you can’t do it alone, buddy… that road has been strewn with the skulls of many heroes before you, get my point?
Also, not only is she not satisfying you, but she is actively hurting you. She talks casually of infidelity, knowing full well that it will hurt you considering you are anxious about your own status with her. She doesn’t concern herself with your insecurities and doubts yet all the energy in the relationship is spent on her insecurities and doubts. Come on man, do you need a hammer to hit you on the head for the fog to clear? And what’s this about her avoiding your company? Look, I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again- a woman NEVER avoids contact with a man she’s in love with. Another thing I always keep repeating- when someone tells you something about themselves, BELIEVE IT. In this case, she tells you there’s nothing wrong with infidelity. So will you be surprised when she cheats on you? And who will you have to blame if she does? She was very clear with you about her beliefs from day one, after all, wasn’t she? And it seems like a lot of negative things have happened to her, but have you ever stopped to think what role she played in her own misfortune? If everyone she’s been with has mistreated her, why does that pattern keep repeating? Is she just terribly unlucky, or is there another side to the story? And what would her ex boyfriends have to say about her if you asked? And really, how much do you really know about this girl, except that she says she’s a victim and that she mistreats you? Is there a connection between bad things happening to her and her treating people badly? Again, I’m not trying to criticize or hurt you in anyway, these are all questions that you need to ask yourself and be aware of.
So how do you get her to open up and settle your doubts and fears? You don’t. Instead, you pack your bags, turn around, and run, run FAST for the hills and never look back. And consider yourself lucky for saving your sanity.
Best of luck.
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