Q: I’m divorced and I met someone a year ago. We both come from broken or failed marriages and both were cheated on by our spouses. It’s been awhile so we’ve been dating for about a year and he does not call me all the time. I often call him. He is a driver and delivers milk all day long. When he comes home from work he eats and takes a nap because he is tired and when I call him around 8:00pm, he does not pick up, he is in a deep sleep. This is and has been his excuse for a while. We talk earlier during the day and we make plans to go out than he falls asleep and I always end up at home stood up. When we talk I tell him how I feel and he is sorry and feels bad and does not know what to say. I just want to know what I should do. I love him but I feel hurt that he does this all the time. We are both in our late 40′s and we both have been hurt. I don’t think he does this on purpose, but it bothers me so much and I don’t know what to do. Please help.
-Lina
A: Hey, thanks for the question Lina, I’m sorry to hear of your predicament, but there’s a few things going on here. First, both you and this guy have already been married. For the sake of making my point, let me focus on him specifically. Like I said, he’s already been married, he’s no spring chicken, his wife cheated on him, and he works a grueling physical job which exhausts him. So why is he sleeping when you call? Because he’s exhausted. That’s plain and simple to understand. However, this is where all the other parts come into play. See, if this was a younger guy who had never been married before and was trying his best to court you, not only would he be up at 8pm when you called, but he would stay up all night spending time with you, even if it meant he only had 3 hours of sleep. That’s what young, horny, motivated guys do. Well, clearly he’s not so young, but that doesn’t necessarily mean much. I can’t comment on how horny he is. But what’s clear is that he’s definitely not so motivated. Why? Well, that’s a complicated answer, but it probably has to do with several things. First, the whole idea of the sanctity and importance of relationships may have lost its luster after his marriage failed. Second, maybe you are way too overeager and he knows he can just sleep away the night like a bear in winter and you’ll be there to greet him when the sun comes out and the snow thaws, all bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Let me ask you a question. Why do you love this guy so much? I’m not challenging you. I just want you to ask yourself this question. You hardly spend any time with him and what time he has is spent chucking milk cartons and hibernating the hours away. So why exactly do you love him? You did mention that you’ve been hurt several times. In fact, it’s the word that you used the most to describe yourself in your entire question. Are you so attached to this guy because of his own personal merits or because you are latching on to him to avoid the pain and loneliness of your hurt? Only you can know, but like I said, I don’t see many enthusiastic descriptions in your question that make this guy sound like a real catch.
So what should you do? First, analyze your motivations. What does this guy mean to you? Second of all, realize that because of his own life circumstances and perhaps your own mistakes (through no fault of your own), he might not see as much value in your company as you see in his. Third, find ways to make up for that company by doing something pleasurable, like trying new things, meeting new people and adopting new hobbies. If this dude sees that you are so much less dependent on him and have discovered a life on your own, perhaps (and this would be the ONLY way) he’ll realize what he is missing and decide that spending time with you is more important than catching sheep in his sleep.
Good luck.
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Ok a I strated dating a guy that was in my dance class so we would speak in passing but nothing serious he asked me out we starting dating and became intimate rather early he use to call me all the time would come by and spend time now I dont hardly hear from him unless I call him he still comes but at least twice a week he tells me he loves me I have met his family but his child he was locked up for 5 years so he spends alot of time with his male cousins also ive notice he is carrying condoms around in his wallet wonder if I should just end this relationship
© 2012
Ok a I strated dating a guy that was in my dance class so we would speak in passing but nothing serious he asked me out we starting dating and became intimate rather early he use to call me all the time would come by and spend time now I dont hardly hear from him unless I call him he still comes but at least twice a week he tells me he loves me I have met his family but his child he was locked up for 5 years so he spends alot of time with his male cousins also ive notice he is carrying condoms around in his wallet wonder if I should just end this relationship