Q: Hi, my boyfriend of two and a half years has broken up with me. We had dated for a year or so and we had broken up but we got back together because we thought there was something left between us. Now that we have broken up twice, do you think there is another shot at working it out? How do I take the steps necessary to teach myself how to love myself?

-Alia

A: Hi, thanks for your question Alia. At times that we are feeling low, there is a natural tendency to look back fondly at past, happier times and try to hold onto that past, even though it is no longer good for us. It’s quite normal to want to hold onto something comfortable, a known entity since people have an inherent aversion to change. It’s like that saying, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” However, our past memories are filtered through rose colored glasses that bias our memories towards the good, while conveniently skipping over the bad. It’s like when old timers are constantly harping about “The Good Old Days.” Well, you know what? Every generation had their “Good Old Days.”

In my experience, I’ve broken up and eventually got back together with just about every girlfriend I’ve ever had. And guess what? We ended up breaking up all over again. And sometimes again and again and again. There’s only one girl I didn’t end up breaking up with. So I married her. My point in all this is that when relationships break up, they usually always break up for a reason. A good reason. And the things that broke you up in the first place will end up dooming the relationship in the end even if you do get back together. Somewhere along the line, someone pushed the idea that relationships are supposed to difficult, complex, and require a lot of hard work. Well, that’s not true. All relationships require work, but it’s the kind of work where the two people are working together, not picking up the pieces over and over again. You see what I’m saying?

So, my advice is to appreciate the lessons you learned from this relationship and employ them to make yourself a better person and lover the next time around. As for your comment about learning to love yourself, I would wager to guess that based on that comment, your guy either didn’t treat you all that well or ended things in a very hurtful way that made you feel vulnerable and unloved. My best advice is to focus on yourself and learn about who you truly are, what makes you tick, and where your passions lay. Don’t hesitate to try new things, meet new people, and expand your social circle and horizons. Once you find what you really enjoy, you will find that you are enjoying yourself more in general, that you attract the kinds of people into your life who enjoy the same kinds of things, and that you are probably pretty good at the things you enjoy doing. And it will all start coming together by itself. Once you find your passions, that you are good at them, and that people appreciate you for it, I think you’ll find that it will be very easy to love yourself again.

Good luck.

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