Mailbag: I am dating two women, but can’t decide between them!

By • Aug 16th, 2010 • Category: Reader Mailbag

Q: Hi. I started dating a woman (A) earlier this year. She was physically my type – cute and sweet. She had been a share mate of mine and things had developed over a couple of months before I expressed romantic interest. I then went overseas on a business trip for a month and she called me almost everyday. At that point we still hadn’t even shared a kiss. When I came back she announced that she wanted to live with me. This put pressure on me – but I declined. We had started being sexual and it was fantastic – but to be honest things felt they were moving too fast. I was now part of a couple – but we had little foundation. I was extremely busy with a new job and a new place to live – so she went and did a farm stay for a few weeks. It was around this time that I found out that woman (B) – whom I had known for a couple of years and with whom I shared a deep heart connection expressed interest in me. She knew I was with someone and I downplayed my current relationship. She told me that she’d always loved me and I was blown away. I loved her too – but I’d never thought of her in a sexual way. She was beautiful and we shared a huge amount of common interests – including the Buddhism with both practised – as well as singing. I have massive respect for her.

My girlfriend then returned from the farm stay and we ended up having a big chat and we both realised that we’d had a lot of misunderstandings. So I knew that she was more compatible than I thought – the sex was also incredible… At this time the pressure was on for me to break up with woman A for woman B. The pressure to do this has been enormous. I certainly have the deep connection with woman B – but pressure and stress to jump from my present girlfriend to her have been huge. In the end woman B told me (a week ago) to forget about her as I wasn’t taking action. Because my head and heart have felt so messed up – I could hardly give 100% to woman A. I feel like I screwed both up and myself. I’ve come to the conclusion now that they only thing I can do is to break up with my girlfriend and try and chase down the second girl and give it a go – because hurting her feels like I’ve shattered my soul – but then again I’m not 100% sure how sexually attracted to her that I am??? Any suggestions on this mess?? How important is sexual chemistry?? Can it develop??? What are the most important things for a lasting relationship and life partner?? We are all in our late 20s and early 30s.
- Chris

A: Hey Chris, thanks for your candid question- it’s an intriguing one. Sounds like you are a bit confused here with your sudden surge of female riches and possibly about to lose it all because you don’t know how to handle it. First, let’s take a look at what you want, not what other people want you to want. Remember, this is your life that you are living, and you are only responsible to yourself (and your family) for your own decisions. When it comes to relationships, your happiness is of the utmost importance, because if you aren’t happy, then most likely you won’t be making your partner happy and your relationship will be on its way to doom, even with the best of intentions.

So based on a careful analysis of what you’ve written here, my best guess about the women in question is as follows:

Woman A is hot and super kinky. She may not be absolutely gorgeous, but you are attracted to her no less because she gives you that deep spasm and burn that feels so good when you orgasm. That feeling in itself is highly addictive. However, she has some attachment issues, because frankly something is off there when she wanted to move in with you so fast. Either she has serious financial problems or some kind of emotional disturbances that make her so eager to cling to a virtual stranger. Trust me, it’s never a good sign when a woman is willing to move in with a guy at the drop of a hat. Further, you don’t really love this woman. If you did, you wouldn’t be considering dumping her in order to pursue woman B.

Woman B is spiritual but homely. You haven’t even considered her on a sexual level the whole time you’ve known her. Come on guy, you like sex, that’s why you’ve pushed it to this point with woman A, but you haven’t had ANY sexual thoughts about woman B? She must be a war pig, no offense. Not trying to hurt you or insult anyone, just my conclusions based on the way you are presenting your case. What does “deep heart” connection mean anyway? I have a deep heart connection with my wife, but I have sex with her. Trust me guy, it just sounds like you don’t really like her, you know, like LIKE her. Also, you are worried about your sexual chemistry with woman B, although you’ve never had sex with her. Clearly, even the though of having sex with her seems like a chore. Is this the kind of woman that you would put a bag over her head?

Back to woman A, you mentioned that after some further discussion, you realized that “she was more compatible than I thought.” What exactly does that mean? That is clearly a code word for something, but what? Not compatible because she is more slutty than you’d want, or she can’t keep up with clever conversations or what? The point is that, as I mentioned before, you really don’t have that much strong feeling for this woman either. Basically, it sounds like this situation isn’t working out for you for the following reason: You don’t like either one of them enough to commit to her exclusively, but you like the idea of having several women hunting over you. It feels very dominant and male to have such choice, doesn’t it? And it feels good. No denying it. But these are humans that we are considering, with their own thoughts and emotions and the way you handle this DOES matter.

So what should you do? Take a time out. You don’t need to rush anything and if you do, you’ll only make a mistake. Don’t succumb to pressure. Let them know your boundaries. Say that you are interested in both women, but need time to sort through your feelings. That’s fair- because it’s true. If they’re not happy with that, then they have their own issues to deal with. The point is, that you’re not playing with them, you are just being honest- you honestly are confused and need to sort things out. Slow down. And think about what would make you happy.

It just may be the case that neither of these women are what you want and when you find that right woman, there will be no confusion, no doubts. Good luck.
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