Mailbag: I fell headfirst in love with a guy, but he is pushing me away!

By • May 13th, 2010 • Category: Reader Mailbag

Q: I met this wonderful man on Match.com and we really connected. He is 40. I am 32. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed alot about myself to him right away: The fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… (although, I am getting much better, truly! I am making every effort to get healthy… for my sake, not his). He seemed so sympathetic and understanding, though, and I really, REALLY like him. We even got very intimate physically very fast (though I haven’t slept with him yet… but we have come close). It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him.. and I don’t want to let that go.


However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating. I fear that he was kind of freaked out by all my problems, as he has many issues of his own. He suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and is in between jobs at the moment. He was married for 15 years and got divorced two years ago. I don’t think he is quite over that yet. He told me that he really has strong feelings for me and is very attracted to me, but he is afraid of hurting me because he thinks this will not work out in the end. But, I don’t agree. I think it could (although I know that there are no guarantees). I just want him to try. We still talk (just chatting on facebook), but I want more. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away.

I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and am willing to take things slowly, but I can’t seem to put his mind at ease. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. I don’t know if I should just give him “space” and wait for him to come to me… or if I should attempt to talk with him ! more about this. He is still interested, I know, but he is very confused. How do I convince him to take a risk?
-Anne

A: Anne, thank you so very much for your heartfelt question. I understand the emotional pain you are going through and I will do my best to help you along the way. Everything I will be writing in this response is meant to help you, so please don’t take it in a personal manner- it is OK to want to be unconditionally accepted and loved. However, this desire often gets us in trouble.

I want to point out a few things that struck me in your question. I know that you have gone through a lot and I have in my professional life often counseled individuals who come from a history of sexual abuse. Often issues such as anorexia and depression can stem from that abuse, but those issues do not necessarily have to be created by the abuse. However, the abuse or rape doesn’t make it any easier. What I’m trying to say is that you are in a vulnerable position and you need to take a step back, regardless of how hard it may seem.

You mentioned that you really, REALLY liked this guy. Why? Because he seemed so sympathetic and understanding? Because he didn’t judge you? Because he has problems of his own? Not trying to challenge you, but rather I want you to step back and really thing about why it is that you like him SO much, SO fast. Often when we come from painful and abusive pasts and are currently struggling with the pain, we are looking to latch on to anything that seems comforting at the time. But you don’t really know this guy. Often abusers themselves seem very nice and understanding at first- that’s how they rope you in. I’m not saying that this guy is an abuser; he could be an angel. I’m just saying that it takes a LOT of time to TRULY know another person. The thing here is that, due to your vulnerability, you have a heightened desire, almost NEED, for unconditional love. We all do, but the more vulnerable we are, the more likely we are to abandon all reason and jump at that glimmering beacon of light.

When you think that you are in love with someone, you lose all sense of judgment. You start projecting your own feelings onto the other person, you start to rationalize all of their behavior, you start to obsess about what they are doing and you start trying to mind read about why they are doing what they are doing. These are all unhealthy behaviors. And you are being unhealthy right now. I have a good article on this site about this same issue, please take the time to look for it and read it. What you are basically in love with right now is your own mental IMAGE of the guy rather than the real guy himself. That’s because you don’t know him well enough. Also, what you seem to be struggling with right now is something called “Love Addiction.” This happens when you haven’t had proper attachments in your past, so you are on the lookout for the “Love of Your Life” who will understand you completely and fill the void. Unfortunately, those things don’t happen in the real world. Only you can complete yourself, not another person. What happens when two people get into a relationship when they are trying to be completed is that neither can heal the other since they themselves are not healed, and so the relationship spirals down into a dysfunctional mess. This is where the term “Codependent” lives and dwells. Look, I’m not saying this will happen with this guy. Just saying that I’ve seen this pattern before that you are presenting to me.

One other thing: If someone tells you point blank that he is “afraid of hurting you” and “doesn’t think it will work out”- BELIEVE THEM. They are saying that for a reason. Please, just believe him at his word. I don’t know why he said and neither do you, but I’m sure he had his good reasons. If you believe anything he says, just believe this statement. I’ve just seen too much happen after such words were uttered and I would like you to avoid any further unnecessary trauma.

This is my advice: Leave this guy alone. Don’t push him and don’t seek him out. If he really wants you, he will come to you. And on your terms. You’ve been hurt too much before and if he comes crawling back, it’s got to be on your terms for that very reason. Join several support groups for women who are experiencing depression or anorexia or have gone through sexual trauma. I’m sure there are many support groups in your area and you can join as many as you want, maybe even one on each topic. Build up your own esteem, grow your list of hobbies, make sure you are busy and around other people who can understand you. You need to still continue on in your growing process before falling headfirst into this guy. Most importantly, you need to make sure that you have a strong social support base that you can lean on- if  and when things don’t go smoothly with Mr. Right.

Good luck.
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