Q: Help! I’m so lost right now. I’m in my early 20′s and currently have been in a relationship for the past 7 months to a guy the same age who I met a few years ago but we both thought we were too good for each other at first (this was from a distance, we hadn’t even spoken). Which is kind of exciting that we found each other so attractive.
We got together a fews weeks after I’d stop seeing a guy i’d been seeing on and off for a year and a half. I was never official with this guy yet we said we loved each other and we meant a lot to each other. We had a bond i’ve never had with anyone, it was as if we would always be there for each other. First, as much as he isn’t the most attractive guy…it never really bothered me, except for the fact that looks mean a lot to me in the way that i can’t understand how a person wouldn’t want to present themselves in the best way they can (self pride). Secondly he had/has no drive or ambition in life. This is also something highly important to me, and i can’t quite understand when someone doesn’t want to make the most of their life and they are happy with a ‘comfortable’ one. My predicament now is that I’m still in my current relationship but both myself and my bf have currently realised i’m not over this guy of a year and a half. Possibly because i didn’t give myself time to move on from him or possibly because i’m hiding behind looks and other characteristics rather than accepting my love for him (my ex).
My bf at the moment is amazing, I’m very attracted to him…he doesn’t have as much drive as I do but he’s still a lot more than my ex. Our personalities click so well!…we can make each other laugh no matter the situation. He’s supportive and we generally want the same future. I don’t want to ruin what i have with him because i’m not over my ex. But at the same time i’m wondering if all the characteristics I mentioned are just my excuses for not being with my ex instead.
I mean…how important is love compared to respect…understanding and communication?
-Lauren
A: Hi Lauren, sounds like you have a complicated issue there. It sounds eerily similar to another mailbag question I just put up on the website from a guy who is having trouble choosing between two women. Take a look at that article because a lot of the advice applies here. Sounds like you are doing a lot of rationalizing. You’re not really sold on this new guy… it’s not enough to be attracted to the person or have good sex… there is something very fundamental about being truly understood by another human being. I don’t know what it is with your hunk, but something’s missing. Even your question- what is more important, love or respect and understanding- implies that that kind of understanding that I mentioned is missing in your current relationship. Again, I don’t want to claim that I know for sure what’s going on, these are just conclusions that I’m making based on the way you present your case.
Why did you love this other guy? He was ugly, boring and lazy. But you still loved him, even more so than your current ambitious hunk. Where did this incredible “bond” come from. This is what I mean by that kind of deep connection and understanding that is so meaningful in relationships, even more important than sex and attraction. However, the unfortunate part is that connection and understanding without sex and attraction is just a friendship, while sex and attraction with connection and understanding is just lust. Take a look through the website, there is an article there about the different types of love, a schema created by a psychologist, Sternberg, based on the three pillars of a relationship- intimacy, passion and commitment. This is called the “triangular theory of love”. Anyway, intimacy alone is just friendship, passion alone is infatuation, and commitment alone is called “empty love.” You can find out more by reading the article about this on the Relationship Lab site, but the point is that there are different forms of love based on the nature of the relationships.
What it sounds like you have here is a dilemma between the vestiges of an intimate relationship (since you did not have passion or commitment to the other guy) versus the throes of infatuation for the hunk (since deeper intimacy and commitment is lacking). What I’m trying to say is that neither of these guys seem to be what you truly desire in the right relationship for you. Trust me, when you find the right person, old romantic feelings for others fall away, even if the the breakups happened recently. When I met my wife, any old feelings I may have had for anyone else in my past were extinguished immediately- as far as I was concerned, they were dead to me. You may have different reactions, but again, when you meet the man of your dreams you will have no doubts, absolutely NO doubts.
In the meantime, don’t rush to any decisions. Time is your friend and your heart will sort things out on its own in good time. Good luck.
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