Mailbag: I think playing games with my bf has backfired

By • Aug 9th, 2010 • Category: Reader Mailbag

Q: Hey, I dated a guy for about a month. But since the second date, I’ve given him ultimatums. The first one was when I said that I wanted a long term relationship, and it worked. We started to get to know each other, then I felt like testing him again after we’ve slept together, saying the same thing. He did not respond to it this time and I freaked out and told him that we don’t need a relationship because we have great sex. Now, he sees me as a friend with benefits.


He just broke up a five year relationship when they lived together mostly because of the distance. He said he likes me, we have a great connection and he even invited me to move together with him. Them he withdrew more. At the beginning of the relationship I tested him too much, saying that we’re too different, we’re not meant to be together, he was the right guy. Now he is using the same speech to push me away when I talk about feelings and how much I like him. It’s been four months already. We’re both the same age: 33.

What should I do?
-Marcia

A: Hi Marcia, thanks for your question. This is a good example of what happens when you play games. You end up hurting yourself in the end. But I’m not going to fault you for what you did- you probably have been very hurt in the past regarding relationships, and maybe even earlier than that. The reason I say that is that nobody acts this way in relationships unless they are trying to prevent themselves from being hurt. It’s a learned behavior used as a strategy to navigate past hurt feelings. Unless you take a good hard look at your actions and possibly even seek therapy, you will continue to sabotage your own happiness. And really 33 is too old to be playing these kinds of games, don’t you think?

That said, looks like this guy has been taking you very literally. You told him that you don’t need a relationship because the sex is so good, so it looks like he jumped for joy at that opportunity and firmly planted you into the “f-k buddies” category. Then you told him that it would never work because you are too different, not right, etc, and he used  that to push you further away- except for the sex, of course.

So what should you do? I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable, but a could starting point would be HONESTY. I know it’s hard to trust someone, especially if you’ve been hurt badly before, but I can tell you this much… if you are honest with the guy, you at least have some chance of making the relationship work… however, if you play games, you will have exactly ZERO chance at having a happy, successful relationship. I would rather take some chance over zero chance. It takes a lot to put your heart out on a limb like that, I know. You may approach a relationship in good faith, only to have your heart pulled out and shattered, but you have to be able to get up and do it over again. That’s the only way to do it. And each time, you will learn something else to learn how to spot the red flags that may indicate who is not trustworthy. But you have to be honest and put your heart on the line in order to have a good relationship. And if you feel like there is just no way you can do it, then I highly recommend a good therapist who would help you to sort through your past hurts and traumas and allow you to approach potential relationships with sincerity and optimism.

Good luck.
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