Q: I met a guy 3 years ago. We went on 3 wonderful dates (I fell for him hard) and then he dumped me. He said he did not get butterflies when he saw me. Weird, as he had jokingly proposed to me on every date. After 3 years of no contact he emailed me and we have made a few friendly exchanges. I really like this guy but I am terrified of being hurt. I live in Zurich he lives in Chicago but he is from Zurich. What should I do - please help - I am useless when it comes to men.

-Clare

A: Clare, thanks for writing in with your question. I understand it can be quite a jolt to hear back from someone from the past who you had strong feelings for, especially if the feelings were one sided. It stirs up all those feelings from the past and naturally, gets your head spinning with all kinds of what if questions….  Is it possible that we could still get together one day? Is it possible he still has feelings?  So before I go any further, I want to acknowledge how you are thinking and feeling and tell you that it’s normal.

However, that’s where the good news ends. You see, as I’ve continuously instructed my students on this site, when someone tells you that they are not interested in you, BELIEVE them. Let’s take a look at the facts. This guy dumped you after three dates because he did “not feel butterflies”. Then he proceeded to disappear from your life entirely for three long years with no contact before suddenly reappearing on the scene. All of that translates to NOT INTERESTED. Yes, you described the dates as wonderful (since you were attracted to him), but how do you know the dates were wonderful for him?  Yes, he was “joking” about proposing, but there was no substance there, since not only did he not propose, but he skipped out of your life as well. Look, the phrase “do not feel butterflies” is something people say when they don’t know how to explain to the other person that they do not share that person’s level of attraction. So, although the dates were wonderful for you, since you did feel attraction, your guy was making it abundantly clear that he wasn’t feeling the same way towards you.

So what would make him look you up all of a sudden? It could be one of any number of things. Maybe he is bored, horny, or looking to get back to Zurich and looking for help in getting situated again. Who knows? Bottom line is, once the flame of attraction is extinguished it NEVER comes back. EVER. Yes, you’ve probably heard or read stories about people who got back together years after breaking up, but this situation is different because it never went anywhere due to this guy’s lack of attraction. As I’ve written in previous articles, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of projecting your hopes and desires on to the other person. As a result, there is a tendency to over-analyze every last detail and try to rationalize every action, looking for evidence in support of your wishes. However, the only way to truly understand what is going on in any relationship is to look at the facts and remove your subjectivity from the equation. In this case, the facts indicate loud and clear that you never had this guy and never will.

My best advice: Don’t torment yourself by holding out hopes for unavailable men. Instead, don’t settle for anything but the best for yourself, and that includes an available man who’s stomach is teeming with butterflies for you.

Good luck.

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