Mailbag: My boyfriend says he doesn’t have those feelings anymore for me
By Relationshiplab • May 28th, 2010 • Category: Reader MailbagQ: My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I am having a terrible time adjusting. He says that he deeply cares about me and is physically attracted to me but just doesn’t have “those feelings” anymore. The problem is that I am completely in love with him and feel like he is the one. I started to feel this way shortly before the break up and it has only increased since. When I think about my life and the future he is the one that I want and can see sharing everything with me. He says that maybe in time his feelings will come back and that he wants to be friends and yet he won’t hardly talk to me and won’t hang out with me at all. I just am completely stuck and don’t know what to do about my feelings towards him.
-Kelly
A: Hi Kelly, thanks for the question. As a faithful reader of this site, I am sure you are familiar with many of the problematic areas in your question, at least by reading other mailbag questions on the site. It is easy to get into the mindset that your problem is unique and different from those of others, but your situation is extremely common. I will break down the clues and hidden meanings that I hope will open your eyes to what is going on in your situation.
First, your ex (not your “boyfriend” anymore) says that he doesn’t have “those feelings” anymore. BELIEVE HIM. Nobody talks like that unless they are dead serious. You state that the problem is that you are in love with him. That is correct in that you have these feelings for him, but he doesn’t have them for you. However, how do you know that you “love” him, rather than “like him a lot” for example? In the next sentence you state that you started “loving” him shortly before the breakup and it increased after. So your loving coincided with the feeling that a breakup was eminent (and most people have a sense that something is afoot) and with the breakup itself. In other words, you started having intense feelings for him, according to you, only after it seemed that you would lose his companionship. So again, do you feel intensely about him or about losing him? In other words, do you feel pain over the loss of HIM in particular or do you feel pain over the sense of loss and rejection? In the first instance, you are reacting to losing your ex, in the second instance you are reacting to a general sense of being alone and feeling lonely. These are two important distinctions. What you think may be love for this guy, could really just be the strong emotions related to losing someone you have become attached to. Again, how do you know you love this guy? How long have you been together? What has he done to earn your love, besides leaving you? Not trying to hurt you, but these are important questions.
Next, you say that you can see yourself with him in the future. Again, have you been building a future with this guy, or are you constructing a fantasy figure around which you can feel a sense of loss? It seems like you are obsessing over this guy, but he doesn’t even give you the time of day. He won’t talk or hang out with you. And you know that old “let’s be friends” bit is just a bunch of bs. If you ever hear that from ANYONE, rest assured that they don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with you. Nobody has ever recovered from the “let’s be friends” chat in all the annals of time, or so said an old wise man.
Clearly, this situation is completely one-sided and you have created a fantasy figure out of a guy who probably doesn’t deserve your attention. And why doesn’t he deserve your attention? Because only someone who gives you the right amount of attention back deserves to get attention from you. So what should you do with your feelings? Go out with your friends, find some activities where you may meet new people, try some things you’ve never tried before, read some good books, watch some good movies. Live your life. And the more you live the more you’ll stop thinking about this guy. And then your future plans will suddenly free up for someone who is more deserving of them.
Good luck.
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I think he has lost your worth because of long relationship.Generally when a person knows that someone is there for him/her forever and he/she loves him alot and cant leave him/her.they take everything for granted.but when they feel that they are one the verge of loosing something than they start to feel for that thing no matter how minor it would have been for them.So its natural,and in your case its not an exception.
You have to understand that feelings for someone never remain constant over a period of time,feelings generally tend to rise and fall.especially when you have a long relationship of over a 1 and a half or so .sometimes you get bored and started to get fed up from another person.At that point in time you have to give other person space because they will never ask you to do so ,you have to judge by yourself
Getting back after break up is not impossible thing…Just make him feel that you are happy in your life and you have no regret for anything and you dont miss him or want him back..give him space in your case minimum space of 1 month .In this span of time you dont need to txt him or call him and even tell him that you dont wana be frnd with him .surely when he will realize that now he is loosing you ,he will start missing you and may get his feelings back
hi all! i am in a very similar situation. a little over 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of just over a year and 5 months told me he doesnt have feelings for me anymore and he wants space and time away from me. its been so difficult. he said that my smothering pushed him away. to me, it didnt seem like i was smothering him, only caring for him highly, as much as i could because he doesnt not have parents. he told me 3 days ago he just wants to be friends because at the moment, he does not want a relationship because he is comfortable not having to inform me of anything in his life, and not having any commitment or obligations to me. i really would like him back. it hurts me to see him and be able to spend time with him. i really do love him and i want him back. he is my frist boyfriend and i really want him back. i asked him if he would like to meet at a compromise and he said he will think about it. im so afraid that the more time and space he takes away from me will only result in him losing feelings even further. what should i do to get him back!? plz, i wud really appreciate ur help. thank you
Hi there. So is see that I am not on my own. I had just finish my 3 years relationship. I also been redundant. Me and my ex had problems long time ego, and always was me who start talking “sweetheart we have problem and we have to think what to do” and what I have as an answer “I don`t see any problem everything for me is normal”. On the end you start question yourself “why is me always open my mouth first, what is going on end where I`ve done mistake”?With relationship is involve two people, not just one as much as yo want you not going to make it work if is you just trying and this other person just is there somewhere. My ex-boyfriend was never there for me (when i was cried because i just lost my good job, he told me to go with life, and when i lost our babe i was there on my own) but he expected me be always there for him. Because he working very hard, he is so busy he is tired, he have not time for lunch (with is not truth), he run business on his own (his choice- don`t want anyone to help) and he is so stress. So what about me I am working, I have house to run, son to look after, college to attend, I am tired and stressed end of the day (like most of us) but that never was important. Just for reason i like to add that first year our relationship we leave together in his place, after two years my son come over to live with me (I am not English). Because will be not fair for his parents that is child at home( he owns half of this house) i had to move out (he still live with parents) with was fine. I was waiting and waiting and waiting and yes… waiting. start sometimes conversation with him about where we stand in our relation, he said that at the mom he cant move out because the money are so tied that i should wait, he still would not give me the answer where were we in our relation (he does not helped me financially, I didn`t asked him because I was working and have enough money). Two weeks ego i was made redundant, have a guess how i felt I am loosing job what I love so much have health problem, and lots other staff on my head, my sex drive is “0″ i can even relax, there you go so there my ex start to see we had problem( he don`t have sex). week ego he start question “Do you have anybody else, why we have problem etc…. and he pushing so so so hard that i couldn`t deal with him any more so i broke up, ofcorse he wants to talk to day about ,is something what we can do, but what rely is he like to point my fault (you never had time to me, never take care about me, never was there for me etc.) he changed without 4 days from “don`t worry i will help you if you will loose your job” to “I dont see we have somethings any more” So I am asking your opinion me dear friends in there, Do You think that third party is giving him some “very good advice”, or he scared that he would rely have to help me with money problem (he is very tied hate to share his money with anyone) or is something what i cant see in there
well chicas, i totally understand your situation. im gay so somehow i could undertsand both sides of the stories. My bf told me three days ago, after 8 months of living-together relationship, he does not feel the same. im 33 years old and he 21, first discrepancy, but like AM and Joanna i was overprotecting him. Smoothering, taking care highly, or any similar word is already to much for guys. It is for me, but in this case i was not the guy who was smothered of receiving any special treatment. At this point you would ask yourself, how giving so much love could worse a relationship. I want you to close your eyes and think of that person giving you extraordinary love, taking care of you highly or smothering you. Would you push that person away? I dont think so, because that person is the one we love. Think deeply and you will have the answer in your hands: THATS THE WRONG ONE, HE IS NOT THAT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, HE PUSHES AWAY THE LOVE, HE FEDS UP. All i have said refers to other, to the guy, to the one. Have we thought about us, ourself, our love, our time, our space, our energy, our time, our life. its time to stop worryng about others, all that deeply love, all that smothering, all that highly takingcare will have a better place on us, on ur life, and so we grow as a better person who is able to detrmine who is the one, that deserves our love.
Hi ,I have a similar situation but I guess mine is very dramatic.I met this guy about a year ago , on our first datings he hides that he just broke up with his ex that he was helping her because he is afraid of her and she was aggressive with him.After a month of dating when we announced we are in relationship in Facebook ,his ex freaked out and started sending me emails that he is with her ,helping her llike more than 1000 emails , my relationship got worst , we did not enjoy dating I was in NY and he is in MA I was moving every weekend to see him but we ve been fighting becauise everytime I asked him about what she was telling me in the emails he denied and he started getting mad and asking if I was willing to break up thing got that way Until one day I have committed suicide because I felt depressed and lost between him and her plus I had my own problems in NY with school and my work.After I got discharged from the mental hospital because of this relationship I have moved with him to MA , I lost my job and my graduation was postponed because of incomplete class.That time his ex came to our apartment and I called the cops she was willing to take her stuff basically was nothing ….SHe just stole his stufff , I felt depressed and she kept sending and sending emails , from my side as I moved with him ,whenever I clean or organize his stuff I found pictures of her , what they were doing in the vacations also the receipt of engagement ring.We have been trough a big fights becaus e he hide also that he was engaged .The first days of dating he was excited and he was wlling to propose to me and marry me and I am the one who was refusing because I was in need of moving with him and know him.Now , after his ex did her best to get back even she was calling me 2 months ago , my boyfriend wants to be with me but he is saying that he got dramatized after my suicide and all what happened because of her , and there is something inside him got taken .He wants to marry me but he is saying that he cannot promise that he will be the guy who was excited the first day.I told him I wont marry him ,Because I deserve feelings and someone who will give me the value I deserve.All what happened to me in my life is because of him and instead he will be by my side and surround me by love he got depressed and cold and he does not want to break up.every day I find some of his pictures with her , and they were having fun , with me we had just problems and fights even he got financially down and I am very patient.I dont know what to know I m lost
My boyfriend has been distant lately. He’s been changing his looks, and his attitude. It’s like he is not the same person anymore! And today he told me not to say ” I love you” when we walk to class together. How am I suppose to act?! should I maybe break up with him? If anyone can help that would be great.
Is this a dream? If it is, then I do not want to wake up!!!! I love you and I will tell all my friends what miracles you have performed! I am your devoted follower now and will come back when I have future problems. I beleive you may need his help contact him via: Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com
weird but true, sometimes people DO say things that they don’t mean. Its easy to say “I don’t have those feelings for you anymore” when you’re angry and when you want to hurt the other. Not all are dead serious when saying so, they just want to hurt your feelings.
Hey, i just had the same problem, except ive been with this guy for almost 4 years! we were perfectly fine, he kept textingme and called, me we just didnt see eachother as much cause my family was having some problems. Then i get grounded for two weeks…and we send letters back and forth, and he suddenly stopped sending them… well he came to my house and said that he just wasnt feeling it anymore… and he held my hand and hugged me tight and cried,,, he told me that everything about me was perfect, and that i did nothing wrong, and that our relationship was perfect, that i was gorgeous.. he said he doesnt know whats going in his head.. and he just left… changed our FB status but didnt delete any of our pictures, didnt throw away any of my stuff… all of his friends and mine called me and was like ” what happend? that doesnt sound like him at all! he was obsessed with you!” and im all like “idk guys” and we all know its not another girl, hes a nerd and i asked him out hes not good with girls and he hates the girls at our school. Hes also my best friend.. we arent as lovey dovey as most couples, and hes ok with that… but now he wont tlk to me.. and hes telling everone that he doesnt know why he did it he just doesnt know… What do yall think? depression? needs space? gay? confused? idk but its not the fact that he dumped me its the fact that i just want my best friend back… we were so tight and now he just doesnt know.. i have confidence but i just dont know! he also came to my house and dumped me he didnt just text or call me, and he cried what does that mean? he kissed me on the forehead.. i miss him.