Mailbag: My gf reminds me too much of my ex
By Relationshiplab • Sep 2nd, 2009 • Category: Reader MailbagQ: I’m starting to date a woman that I’m very attracted to and that I always have fun with. Sounds good, right? Well, I’m worried because, when I think about it, she reminds me a lot of an ex that I was particularly close to. Is this bad? I don’t want to go into it if I’m just doing it as a sort of way to get the ex back, but she’s really sweet and attractive and I don’t want to miss on the opportunity. Suggestions?
-Gage
A: Hey Gage, thanks for the great question. I think you are right to take a step back and actually analyze your motivations behind dating someone before getting anyone hurt. That said, I think you are in good shape here, but let’s take a closer look at your situation.
There’s two ways of understanding why it is that your current girl is so similar to your ex. One is that you are dating this new one because you are still stuck on the old. Or you can be dating this new girl because it just so happens that both women possess the same qualities that you are inherently attracted to. It happens. All of my past girlfriends were intelligent- I am attracted to intelligence. They were all unconventional in some ways and at least somewhat artistic or at least appreciative of the arts- more specifically appreciative of my interest in the arts. Could I say that I dated each one because I was stuck on some earlier girl? Possibly, but that wouldnt’ be true. The reality was that they all had some similarities because those were the qualities I was looking for in a girl. However, each girl was her own separate individual, and I saw each one as an individual. Never would I look at one my exes and see a different ex.
So, in the end this is something only you can answer. When you see your girl, are you obsessively thinking about your ex, or are you simply aware of their similarities. You will know the difference between the two. How did you and your ex break up? Are you still pining for her? Would you rather be with your ex than the current girl? If you can safely say no to the last two questions than you are probably dating this new girl because of her attractive qualities, which just happen to have much in common with the ex. This is normal and happens all the time. In that case, appreciate what you’ve got and enjoy the ride.
Good luck!
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