Q: OK- so I’ve been with my guy for 10 years! We met in college and have been together ever since. We broke up once when we were 20. We are now 29 and still not married! He says how he wants to have kids and we are planning on buying a house next year. I’ve been hinting about marriage and finally just asked him why he hasn’t asked me yet. He said it was a financial burden He retracted that statement when he saw it hurt my feelings. As of now he still has not proposed and I don’t think he’s planning on it any time soon. I don’t want to be 50 and get married! I want the storybook proposal - I’m super romantic- he’s not. I feel he’s being a little selfish because he may not think it’s a big deal but I do. Please help I’m sooooo confused.

A: Thanks for your question, it was a very good one. Being with someone for 10 years is quite a long time, especially if you are not married. It reminds me of a show a saw recently called Hitched or Ditched, where friends would set up a couple in a long-term relationship to be married within weeks and they had to decide whether or not to go through with it. Invariably, there was a reason why most of the long-term couples were not married- they all had some sort of problems which made the decision uncertain. Faced with the prospects of marriage, some of the couples broke up rather than go through with it- looks like they needed the push from their friends to make a decision one way or another.

That’s not to say all long-term relationships that have not yet lead to marriage are doomed, but there is a natural progression to relationships and marriage represents the ultimate commitment, especially to women. What I’m seeing here is a difference in life goals, which is one of the deal breakers in relationships. When one person desires a certain life style, such as partying or traveling, while the other doesn’t, that represents a difference in life goals. Similarly, a difference of opinion regarding marriage also represents the same.

That said, I don’t have enough information to determine why your guy doesn’t want to get married. You did mention that he is making steps toward being more serious- he has talked about kids and you are buying a home together. Both of those indicate to me that he does see a future together with you. It just may be that he doesn’t see the importance of marriage like you do- maybe to him it means nothing more than a piece of paper and he shows his commitment to you in other ways. Also, he mentioned marriage being a financial burden- perhaps he has seen negative portrayals of marriage in the media and through friends and family and so is wary of marriage ruining an otherwise happy relationship. These are all possibilities, and I can’t say for sure without more information.

Best thing to do in this situation is to watch and observe whether he follows through on all of his promises. Does he indeed purchase a house with you? Does he follow through on his desire for kids?  Actions speak louder than words. You should communicate to him how important marriage is to you as a sign of commitment. Just be direct, don’t push him or give an ultimatum. Then give yourself a firm deadline of a year or even 18 months to see if he is indeed making concrete steps toward a stronger commitment. If he is, you are on your way. If not, then at least you can be certain of where he stands and can move on without any doubts.

Good luck.

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