Q: My wife has been very distant for about a month now. I’ve discussed it with her and she explains that it’s due to the different careers we are both headed for. Our careers are possibly going to cause us to separate for months at a time. She says it concerns her and now we are really struggling because of it. I know she is considering a divorce. She talked about having a baby with me though, saying that it would help bridge the gap that is between us. I love my wife more than anything and I would love to have a child with her, but I don’t want to bring a child into an unstable relationship like this. I don’t know if it is really going to help anything or just make it worse when she decides that it was bad idea. What should I do?

- Tim

A: Tim, thanks for your thoughtful question. Look, as you probably already know if you’ve been reading this site, when a woman says she’s “considering” divorce, that means she’s been thinking about it for a long, long time and now feels enough confidence in her decision to put the wheels in motion. Because it takes so much pain and effort to end a long-term relationship or marriage, such decisions are never done in haste. Which most likely means, by the time you realize that your wife is considering divorce, it may already be too late.

When your wife says she is distant because of your disparate careers, that is what is called a “diversion”. She’s not really distant for that reason, but it’s a convenient excuse to keep the real reason hidden. So why is she really distant? Who knows? You haven’t given enough detail to make a conclusion. However, as stated before, nothing just happens suddenly, so I would look for clues from further in the past leading up to this moment.

So what’s the deal with these separate careers? Is the distance something that truly couldn’t be avoided or just another excuse? Something to keep in mind- when a woman loves a man, she will follow him to the ends of the earth and will never, EVER choose career over him. That doesn’t mean that she will end her career, just that she will compromise and make concessions regarding location or salary or employer just so that she can be with her man. The same goes for men regarding women. Relationships are about compromise, and if the two of you can’t compromise over your careers, then you really don’t have an important enough relationship, do you?

Perhaps it is too late, perhaps there is another man- we just don’t know. Take a look at yourself as well. Have you changed? Did you used to be funny, charming and spontaneous, and now all of a sudden you sit on the couch when you get home or are too tired to do anything? Has some of the behavior that attracted her in the beginning started to disappear and fade away? Take a look at how you’ve changed (if you have) and make some adjustments to get back to the things that attracted her. Also, the worst thing you can do right now is pressure her into becoming warmer again. Back off and adopt your most attractive behavior and see if she comes around. If she doesn’t, you never had a chance anyway.

And where does a child fit into all of this? It doesn’t. You should never have a child unless your relationship is ROCK SOLID. And yours isn’t. Work out your relationship first before working on a child. And one other tip: If your wife is cold to you, but otherwise is pressuring you for a child, always wear a condom even if she insists she’s on birth control. And if she does get pregnant and then decides to leave while demanding child support, demand a paternity test. Not trying to be overly suspicious, but I’ve seen some weird situations happen when an unhappy woman “suddenly” wants to have a child.

Good luck.

Have a relationship question of your own? Have it answered directly by going to Ask A Question and filling out the form.