Q: I was very close to a female friend of mine. She used to treat me as her boyfriend. Due to some misunderstanding, she now feels I am a platonic friend. I thought I had cleared it up out in the open, but she still feels the pinch of it. Actually she is now feeling guilty regarding what she has done and loading all blame on me. I feel she is just associating with me because she wants to go out clubbing with me. Initially she used to talk to me about everything and all of a sudden she has changed totally. She has taken a u-turn. Once she starts feeling that I am no longer any use to her she will dump me. What should i do?

- Ran

A: Ran, I’m not very clear on the exact details of what you are talking about, but one thing is painfully clear- you blew this one. What most likely happened here is that you were hanging out with her under the guise of friendship, being the “nice guy”, until finally you made your intentions clear and it blew up in your face because you weren’t clear on what you truly wanted from the start.  Here was a girl treating you like a female friend, unloading all her problems to you because she didn’t see you in a sexual manner, and all of a sudden some “misunderstanding” took place which altered the face of the relationship.  Or, as is often the case, she knew you were attracted to her all along, but did not see you as a serious suitor, so she figured she could use you as long as possible for emotional support and possibly transportation, which is why she is still “associating” with you when she wants to go clubbing. And of course, if that is the case, all of this outrage and “guilt” is all part of the mind-f**k charade. It’s not clear where she’s coming from since you are being kind of vague there Ram, but suffice it to say, you’ve put yourself in the category of “orbital”- or male hanger on- by your spineless lack of male directness.

See, here’s where the whole myth of “girls not liking the nice guys” gets started. Women like guys who treat them well, but they are also massively attracted to men who are direct, aggressive, know what they want, and are not afraid of their sexuality. Yes, women get turned on by a man who is not afraid to ask for what he wants. And in your case (and I’m not blaming you since it’s a frequent newbie mistake), you decided to sneak in through the back door by being her emotional blanket and hoping this intimacy would turn to sex, instead of just being direct about your sexual desires in the first place. Of course, I’m not advocating aggressively bullying a girl with your intentions or trying to force anyone to do something they don’t want. I’m just saying you should not be afraid to openly  desire a woman. Think about James Bond- is he trying to be friends with the women he is interested in?

Unfortunately, in your case it’s a lost cause. She’s already identified you as nothing more than at best a “friend” and at worst someone she can manipulate for her own purposes. No woman who is interested in a man uses him to go to clubs. Come on, man, show some pride. What should you do if she is planning on dumping you? Dump her first. And start fresh with another woman. By conveying yourself as a lover or boyfriend, not as a friend.

Good luck.

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