I have recently received some questions from women asking how do they know that someone they are dating is genuine and a good candidate for a serious relationship.  Obviously the attraction is there. The new potential relationship has been going on anywhere from several weeks to several months. There is strong interest from both parties, but how can these women know that they should invest more time in the relationship and that this new guy is really relationship material and is being sincere about his intent?

There is no obvious way to answer that question.  First, you must take stock of what your gut is telling you, what your feelings say. But it also is very important not to be too caught up in the sway of emotion since in the beginning of a potential relationship, feelings are running at a feverish high and can cloud your judgment. It is easy to get swept away in the rush of romantic feelings and totally ignore any and all red flags that may have popped up.

Don’t do this.

Often when you look back at a relationship after it’s over, the red flags that ended up destroying the relationship were apparent in the beginning, but you just chose to ignore them.

Don’t ignore the red flags.

What kind of red flags should you be looking out for? There are many, and several are more important than others, but in this particular article, I will focus on congruence. In other words, do his actions coincide with his words?

Often when you first start dating a guy, if he is interested in getting to know you better, pursuing a relationship, or just having a physical encounter, he will say a lot of nice things that you want to hear in order to move the interaction further, especially if he is a good communicator. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. For example, if he tells you that you are beautiful, he may truly find you to be beautiful. Just because he is flattering you doesn’t mean it’s not true.  If he tells you he is interested in a relationship, he may truly be seeking a relationship and not just a one night stand. And of course, the things he’ll be telling you are all positive, especially if he is genuinely interested and feels that way.

The point is that words alone are not enough information to determine whether the guy is truly sincere or not. The key determinant is whether the ACTIONS are congruent with the words.  For example, if he says that you are beautiful but ignores you and keeps looking around at other attractive women, something is not congruent. If he says he can’t wait to see you again, but doesn’t call when he promises, something is not congruent.

It is very easy to ignore these kinds of warning signs, especially if you are very attracted to the guy and you would like to be in a relationship. The easiest thing to do is sweep these negative thoughts aside, but they will also come back to burn you.

Make sure you pay attention to whether his actions are in alignment with his words. Then and only then are you closer to being able to tell if this guy really means what he says.