Mailbag: The married woman I was seeing doesn’t want to see me again

By • Jul 8th, 2010 • Category: Reader Mailbag

Q: I (40) have read many articles about dating a married woman and now (too late) understand a great deal more of what happened. She (35) had a crush on me (bartender, married for a year) very unhappy in marriage. We saw each other every night of the week for 9 months. Yes, like the articles say, it was the most romantic, wonderful, exciting and intimate relationship of my life!!! She said she had never done that before and would never do it again. She said she wanted to be my girl and that she loved me. Her husband started packing (from the dog house) in the 10th month and she backed off. He moved out and she basically ended the relationship stating all I wanted was sex and that I’m not who she thought I was. What does that mean?


I tried to explain that I wanted more than what we had, that I loved her and wanted to be with her but it fell on deaf ears. I don’t understand how at the point when we could actually be together she ended it. How can she just stop those feelings we had? And now it’s as if she hates me. When I see her and try to tell her I still love her she gets angry and tells me to stop!! Everything i do she seems to villainize, she completely avoids me when in the same room (bar). no eye contact. What the hell just happened to me? Its been three months now. Ive tried to move on but when I get the opportunity to be with someone else, I have been unable to “PERFORM”. I am an utter mess here. What happened and what can i do now? Please help.
-Dan

A: Hey Dan, thanks for your question. I know it’s a terrible feeling to think you have something great going on and then have the rug pulled out from under you. First though, I have to remind you that words mean absolutely in the worlds of love and war. You can have a woman tell you every day ten times that she loves you and will never leave you, but as they say, that and two bucks will buy you a cup off coffee. The point is that love and emotions are not logical, they cannot be planned, discussed, analyzed, or promised. No one, and I repeat NO ONE can promise you anything about love, whether it be now or in the future. That’s why it’s so important to also stay on your toes and keep your woman (or man) happy and satisfied, instead of relying on old events. Love, like milk, can go sour very quickly.

As far as your woman, come on man, she’s married, cheating on her husband, and all of a sudden changed her tune towards you when the husband decided to leave, and you have no idea what’s happening here?  You had to figure there was some reason she was married to the guy, regardless of what she told you. And even if she was only having sex with you, it still could have been a tremendous blow to her emotions when he finally started packing. As for  all the stuff about all that you wanted was sex and you weren’t she thought you were, she basically meant that, but for other reasons than you might imagine- let me explain. When she said all you wanted was sex, she is projecting on you her own feelings towards the relationship. All she wanted was sex from you and when she was threatened with the loss of emotional intimacy in the form of her husband leaving, she realized that a relationship was more than sex, and so you were the convenient scapegoat for her own regrets. As for you not being the man she thought you were, that’s correct too- at one point you were highly desirable to her and now you no longer are, even through no fault of your own.

Of course all of your pleas fall on deaf ears. That’s because she’s MOVED ON. You ask how could she stop her feelings for you? Easy. Her feelings for her husband were stronger than her feelings for you. And guess what? Now you are just an inconvenient guy who is bothering her and constantly reminding her of the mistakes she wishes she hadn’t made. And then you wonder why villainizes you? Cuz you remind her of her mistakes. Again, for emphasis, you remind her of things she would rather forget. Get it? Listen bro, you just have to move on. I know it’s easier said than done, but you can pretty much stick a fork in this one. It’s over. And the faster you realize it’s over, the sooner you’ll be able to move on yourself and heal. As for the performance problems, that’s for another article, but most likely you are so worked up and anxious around this whole situation that you are nerves are preventing you from relaxing. I’m pretty sure as soon as you’ll stop caring about this woman, you’ll be able to rise to the occasion.

Good luck.
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