So you have a loving, supportive relationship with great communication and intimacy, but suddenly you hit a snag and the foundation of your relationship is rocked to its core. What can cause an otherwise solid relationship to hit rough waters in lightening speed, and without warning, often can be pinpointed to the green eyed demon- jealousy.  Jealousy is such a powerful and insidious emotion that it can literally wreck even some of the strongest relationships if not handled properly.  So how do you properly deal with jealousy if and when it arises to ensure the continued strength and health of your relationship?

First, you need to distinguish between the two types of jealousy- rational and irrational. Rational jealousy is the type which is based on external events and has good cause. For instance if your lover gives a kisses another person on the mouth in a sexual context without your consent, you have a rational reason to be jealous. Irrational jealousy stems from internal stimuli such as personal insecurities and self-esteem issues and often has little or nothing to do with external events or situations. For example, if your lover is constantly accusing you of making eyes at other people when all you do is innocently look at someone walking past you, then their jealousy is irrational and has much more to do with their own personal problems than with your behavior.

If your lover is struggling with irrational jealousy, I recommend reading this article- Dealing with your lover’s jealousy-  about dealing with a jealous partner. In short, they must understand that it is their problem to deal with, that you will be supportive of them in dealing with it, but they must understand the problem and be pro-active in recovering from it because it is undermining the relationship.

If your lover has good reason to be jealous of you, then that can be broken down into two categories as well- actions in which you purposefully acted to make them jealous and those in which you inadvertently made them jealous. I will leave the purposeful actions alone since if you are trying to incite your partner, you have no reason to be surprised at their reaction.

In the case of inadvertent behavior, there is a simple process to follow to help you allow to heal feelings and emotions, resolve conflict, and move on quickly. This is a four step process:

1. Admit your mistake- often this is enough to make your partner feel comforted. The worst thing you can do is argue with them and act as if they are crazy for feeling the way they do. That will just create more conflict and destroy trust. Build trust by owning up to your mistake and resolving to not do it again.  Your partner is feeling hurt and needs that kind of assurance at this point.

2. Put yourself in their shoes- state that you understand how they feel and LISTEN to your partner. At this point your partner is hurt and wants to be understood. Allowing them to vent will do wonders for clearing the air and help both of you move on quicker.

3. Discuss protocol- discuss with your partner what you would differently next time and put some protocol in place next time you both find yourself in a similar situation

4. Once addressed, move on quickly- make sure your partner has had time to air their grievances, apologize properly, and agree on an alternate protocol for next time, but then don’t linger anymore on the subject and just MOVE ON. Schedule a date night, go to the movies, have dinner, make love, whatever, but make sure to follow up your argument quickly with something romantic and affectionate to replace the negative emotions quickly with positive ones.

Remember, jealousy is a common occurrence in relationships, and is natural and expected. Learn to deal with issues of jealousy quickly to smother them before they become a raging inferno and your relationship will be stronger than ever.