Facing the loss of a serious relationship is one of the most painful things that anyone ever goes through in their lifetime. The pain of the loss sometimes feels like it rivals the most intense physical pain. Your emotions are in chaos, your mind is racing about the things that went wrong and you feel like you can’t even breathe.  It seems like this girl loved you just recently and now she never wants to see you again. What could possibly have gone so terribly wrong?

There are many things going through your mind. One of them is about how you are going to get your ex back- which will be covered in a separate article. Also, undoubtedly you are racking your brain thinking about what you did wrong- you loved this girl after all, you would never do anything to hurt or upset her, so what is it that you could have possibly done to make her want to leave?

Why do some relationships last even though the people seem unsuitable for each other, while other relationships which seem like a better match fail miserably? After many years of experience and observation, I have come to know exactly why some relationships succeed while others fail.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do to ruin the relationship. If this was a long term relationship, the girl didn’t just leave you on the spur of the moment- no reasonable person would leave so suddenly something they invested years into. No, the seeds of her leaving were sowed months if not years prior.  She had been debating, exploring and questioning this move for at least several months before she pulled the trigger.  And the reason she finally made her decision all boils down to the same reason, no matter the individual circumstances of the relationship.  And that reason is ATTRACTION. No woman will EVER, EVER leave a man in normal circumstances to whom she is still passionately attracted to. The reason your girl has left you is because, for whatever reason, her attraction to you has steadily eroded.

Let’s say that upon leaving you, she complains that you didn’t pay attention to her several times and made several comments about her hair, or whatever. That inevitably will send you into a tailspin where you replay those situations over and over again in your mind, agonizing about the choices you had made. If only you could possibly turn back time and make better decisions, things would just be PERFECT. Well, I can confidently tell you to stop all the second-guessing because it’s not getting you any closer to the truth about why your relationship failed.

You see, any one individual action is devoid of meaning without context. For example, if you had mentioned something negative about your girl’s hair, if she no longer was attracted to you, she would take this comment against you as evidence of why she is no longer attracted to you. However, if she was madly in love with you, she would most likely try to change her hairstyle so that she would please you more. In other words, the same comment would have different results depending on the girl’s attitude towards you. The comments have no bearing on the relationship without the proper context- i.e. how the girl feels about you.

So now that we’ve established that lack of attraction was the downfall of the relationship, what could you have possibly done to kill it? Sure, maybe little things added up and made the girl lose attraction for you. Most likely, however, she lost the attraction because you enabled her to lose it. For example, overly apologizing for things that you “did wrong” would send a clear message that the girl merely had to nag you to get what she wanted. If she suddenly starts acting distant and you react by becoming too clingy or begging her to spend more time with you or not leave, then you are enabling her to continue acting the way she does. All of your enabling behaviors which show that she has control over you slowly erode her attraction to you.

In the end, it’s that death of attraction which spells the death of the relationship.